No Limes, Lemons, Oranges, or Pomelos
by wingedmercury
Summary: When Naruto and the gang finally get wi-fi in Konoha, they are appalled by what they see and decide to write their own fanfic. Hilarity—and fanfic war—ensues.
1. Chapter 1

No Limes, Lemons, Oranges, or Pomelos

When Naruto and the gang finally get wi-fi in Konoha, they are appalled by what they see and decide to write their own fanfic. Hilarity ensues. Many different couples. Rated T for language.

UPDATE: Last chapter, "Shadow Boxer Lemonaide" has bumped up the rating to M, but really for that chapter only- there aren't any actual lemons in that chapter but it is a bit racy, so I thought I'd make it M to be safe.

**Disclaimer**: I don't freakin own Naruto!

Naruto: That's fucking right! None of you suckers owns me! I own myself! I wish you crazy fanfic kids would stop making me your monkey.

Author: Um...actually Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto actually owns you...and all your friends.

Naruto: Shut up! You freakin suck!

Author: Whatever Naruto, story time. Dance for me, monkey!

Naruto: Eeeep! *Begins dancing*

* * *

_"If you don't like my peaches, why do you shake my tree? _

_Stay out of my orchard, and let my peach tree be"_

_~Sitting on Top of the World, Ella Fitzgerald_

It was a disgusting, rainy day in Konoha. Scratch that, actually, the weather was schizophrenic, constantly changing between rain, sleet, hail, snow...with thunder and lightening. The Hokage ordered everyone in doors- it was the worst storm of the century. Thankfully though, the power was still on, and Naruto was going to take full advantage of his new Wi-Fi while he could.

Previously, everyone in the village just had dial-up, which was really no good for anything besides checking your email (loaded in plain html of course). Now, a wide world of idiotic time-wasting, glorious sites opened up to him! Free porn, facebook, twitter, pandora, youtube- where was a kid to start? He lounged back in his chair, clad in his iconic pj's and connected to the net.

Just then, Sakura g-chated Naruto.

_CherryBlossom10: Sup?_

_RamenHokage1: Nothin..._

_CherryBlossom10: Hee hee..._

_RamenHokage1: ?_

_CherryBlossom10: You ready for this?_

_RamenHokage1: :-P just send me the f'ing link betch!_

_CherryBlossom10: LOL, k, get ready...!_

Naruto didn't know why Sakura-chan was being so annoying. Finally, she sent him the link. It was from a site he'd never seen before- _, what the fuck is that?_ Anyway, he followed the link. He noticed that the main characters were named Naruto and Hinata. _That's weird...Hinata is a pretty __common name, but I don't know many Naruto's...cool!_ He sat back with his cup of instant ramen and commenced to read. A minute later, he spewed half chewed ramen noodles all over his computer and began to choke-

"What- the- fuck?"

_RamenHokage1: What the fuck was that Sakura-chan? Did you write that smut? I would never, EVER do something so pervy- to Hinata? WTF?_

_CherryBlossom10: LOL! I didn't write it, I'm not Sensei! :-)_

_RamenHokage1: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!_

_CherryBlossom10: Check out this next link, whore! ;)_

Sakura sent him another fanfic link- this time the characters were Naruto and Sasuke. _Thank the lord, this won't be another smut fest. It's probably just a story where we beat the crap out of each other._

Naruto sighed and wiped the limp ramen off his monitor and began to read. The next minute, he was passed out with a nosebleed.

When he finally came to, he was angry as fuck.

_**BlackRaven just joined chat**_

_RamenHokage1: SAKURA-CHAN! WHAT THE FUCK?_

_CherryBlossom10: I seriously almost pissed myself reading that one. _

_BlackRaven: Shut up Sakura._

_RamenHokage1: Sasuke, I would never, EVER-_

_BlackRaven: Shut it dobe. _

_CherryBlossom10: LOFL!_

_BlackRaven: Ok, check out **this** link Sakura-chaaaaaaan. Hn._

Sasuke sent them yet another fanfic link. This time the two main characters were Ino and Sakura. In a minute, Naruto thought he was going to bust a gut from laughter.

_RamenHokage1: OMG, that was fucking high-larious...and hot! Sakura, do you **really** do that when you girls have a sleep over? Can I join sometime?_

_BlackRaven: *Snort*_

_CherryBlossom10: NO YOU FUCKING PERVERT! SHUT THE HELL UP!_

_BlackRaven: Karma's a bitch, yo._

_**360degrees just joined chat**_

_360degrees: Sakura, where the hell did you find that smut?_

_CherryBlossom10: There are thousands of these stories guys..oh Kami, I didn't realize so many were about me! I mean the ones with me and Sasuke are ok, but the others! OMG!_

_BlackRaven: Hn. Sup Neji?_

_360degrees: Freezing. My power just went out, so I don't have any heat and I have to run my laptop on chakra for now. What a waste of chakra, let me tell you. Do you see how much smut is written about me and Tenten? Not to mention *shudder* me and HINATA? Fucking nasty._

_RamenHokage1: Oh yeah, well there are at least a million stories of me and that dobe having hot gay sex. I think I'm going to vomit._

_BlackRaven: Naruto, if you ever mention anything about me having hot gay sex, I will chop your balls off. I'm not fucking around._

_RamenHokage1: Whatever, teme._

_CherryBlossom10: You know you like it, Sasuke-kun, Naruto-kun!_

_RamenHokage1: SHOVE IT!_

_**FlowerPower just joined chat**_

_FlowerPower: Did you guys see all those smutty links from Sakura about us? I'm fucking dying. _

_CherryBlossom10: Lol, the truth about Ino comes out- she's a blonde bimbo._

_FlowerPower: Fuck off. As least I get laid in my fanfic, while most of the time you end up old, alone, angry and bitter...oh, and a virgin._

_CherryBlossom10: PIG!_

_RamenHokage1: Shit fuck, my power just went out and my battery is going to die soon. Anyone still have power? And maybe a generator just in case?_

_CherryBlossom10: *sigh* Come on over Naruto. You too Neji. We live closer to the center of town, so we still have power, and plus my parents have enough generator power to run for a few days._

_RamenHokage1: All right! Do you have ramen?_

_360degrees: Thanks very much Sakura-san. Is it ok if I bring Hinata-sama as well? She doesn't do well in the cold..._

_FlowerPower: OMG, party at Sakura's! I'm coming over toooooo! BTW, her parents are totally out of town!_

_CherryBlossom10: Lol, cool. Come on over guys, and try and score some sake on the way!_

About half an hour later, every single member of the rookie 9 plus 3 had all gathered in Sakura's living room.

"Ino-pig! You invited everyone?" Sakura cried indignantly.

Ino shrugged, "Come on, your parents are out of town and we've all got off from missions and training because of the shit weather. What better excuse do you need?"

"Fine, but guys don't mess up the house or my parents will freakin murder me when they get back from their trip."

"A-arigato Sakura-chan!" Hinata stuttered through her chattering teeth. "I really can't stand the cold!"

"Why doesn't the Hyuga mansion have some kind of generator, aren't you guys rich or something?" Kiba quipped as he took off his soaking wet jacket and hung it by the door.

Hinata blushed, but Neji merely sighed as he retorted, "The mansion is an old design and the ancient power system wouldn't be able to handle a generator. So my deepest thanks for your hospitality Sakura-san."

"No worries. My parents are complete spazes when it comes to emergency preparedness, so there's plenty of food and water. You guys are welcome to stay over if you need to, the weather is really getting nasty out there and I wouldn't want you to get hypothermia or something."

"ARIGATO SAKURA-CHAN!" Naruto yelled, hugging Sakura tightly. She pounded him on the head and he released her as he fell ignobly to the floor with a thud. "You're welcome, everyone!" Sakura smiled sweetly.

"Sakura-chan, is your internet still up?"

Sakura sighed. "As much as I like reading soft porn about you guys, the internet finally went down. When the power comes back on, I'm going to have to find a way to block Konoha's access before Kakashi sensei can read...errr..." She blushed profusely.

"Hn. I threw up in my mouth when I read about you fucking Kakashi." Sasuke's mouth twitched up at the corners of his mouth- the Uchiha's version of a smile- and proceeded to parrot back a fanfic in a falsetto, "Oooooooh sensei, I've been such a baaaaaaad girl..."

The room broke out into riotous laughter. Sakura's eyes bugged out of her head, but before she could unleash her monstrous strength in Sasuke's direction, Ino held her arms down. "Don't do that in here! You'll end up breaking your house! Think of your parents!"

Sakura huffed, "Sasuke, you can die outside in the snow for all I care. Besides-" she continued, her voice turning syrupy-sweet, "We all know you are just dying to get into Naruto's pants." Naruto turned a bright shade of crimson as she recited, in a forced baritone voice, "Oh Naruto, I could never love anyone but yoooooou! Harder! Faster!"

Sasuke blanched but managed to keep his cool- after all, his house didn't have power, it was bloody cold outside, and Sakura had an infamous temper. "Hn. Gross. I just threw up in my mouth again."

"Guys, guys, come on. The party just started, let's not get it off to a bad start. Check out what Akamaru brought!" Kiba laughed as Akamaru barked and lifted his head so everyone could see the ginormous barrel tied under his neck. Everyone cheered.

"Let's get plastered! It will be very youthful!" Rock Lee fisted the air and laughed.

"Oh no Lee, you cannot have any alcohol or you will level Sakura's cute house!" Tenten moaned. Lee looked crestfallen, but replied, "Tenten, you are certainly right. I can be youthful without getting shitfaced."

Tenten shook her head. "Here Lee, I brought this over special for you." She held out a bottle of sparkling apple cider- _without_ any alcohol.

"Ah, Tenten, this is truly youthful. Arigato!" Tenten rolled her eyes but smiled.

Sakura laughed and gathered up enough cups for everyone. "Come on gang, let's go sit by the fire and lighten Akamaru's load for him."

The group sauntered into a cozy living room and began sipping on sake. "This is great Sakura, I had no idea you had such a plush pad! What is it your parent's do for a living?"

Sakura smiled, "Thanks Kiba-kun. They are actually merchants, and do a lot of trading with neighboring villages and countries. That's why they aren't around as much..."

"Whoa, I guess that explains the huge collection of chachkies!" Tenten breathed and looked around at the exotic decor- exquisite ceremonial masks, antique swords, beautiful maps and tapestries all met her curious gaze.

"Naruto! Don't touch anything! Not-a-thing!" Ino squealed as she saw his grubby paws hovering over a priceless antique.

Sakura shot her friend a thankful look before she settled down on the couch.

"So, now what do we do?" Lee proclaimed.

The group of friends stared into the fire. "I dunno, chill?" Kiba muttered.

"I don't think Lee knows the meaning of chill..." Neji smirked.

"For sure I know! I have a terrible chill from the inclement weather!" Lee stated. Tenten sighed and asked, "Pass the sake for the love of Kami."

Suddenly, Ino spoke up- "Omg, I have the _best _idea about what we should do!"

Shikamaru looked up from his cup and moaned. "This is going to be troublesome." Choji, whose mouth was full of chips, nodded in agreement. They knew Ino as well as anyone, and were certain her devious mind could not be trusted.

"Nanda?" Sakura grinned.

"We should write our own story! About us!"

Sasuke groaned. "Absolutely, positively no lemons!"

Neji nodded. "A respectable story, sans any limes. For lady Hinata's sake."

Naruto shuddered. "No lemons, limes, pomelos, kumquats, no fucking citrus at all, especially not between me and any temes."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Shut the fuck up dobe." Sakura giggled.

Hinata stuttered, "It should- it...should be more like...how we...really are."

Shino nodded. "We can stand up to the demoralizing and perverted descriptions of ourselves and write something of quality, and with excellent grammar and spelling."

Tenten agreed. "Yeah, we'll write something where we use the words 'your' and 'you're' properly. It'll be like a whole new world of literacy on ."

Ino shouted triumphantly, "So it's settled, we'll write our own fanfic about ourselves!" Ino scrambled to get to her backpack, and procured a spiral bound notebook and a pencil. "Ok, let's get started!" There was a long silence as she opened up the book.

"So what should it be about?" Ino asked finally.

"A battle royal where I kick Sasuke's ass!" Naruto shouted.

"A fist fight between me and Naruto where I break his nose." Sasuke retorted.

"Yosh! That sounds very youthful!" Lee proclaimed.

Ino shook her head. "Listen guys, do you even know how to write a story? It should be close to real life, but not _that_ close. We need to make an alternate universe where we are cowboys, or thieves, or-"

"Porn stars!" Kiba chimed in, rolling on the floor in laughter.

"SHUT UP!" Neji, Sasuke, and Naruto yelled. It was strange to see all three of them agreeing on something for once.

Ino held up her hand, taking charge. "Ok, let's go around and say our favorite ideas for the story. I'll write them down and then we'll vote, ok? Hmmm, I think we should do a story about where we are in the future, 20 years from now. Next?"

"Romantic comedy starring Naruto and Sasuke-kuuuuuuun!" Squealed Sakura.

"Romantic comedy starring Kakashi-sensei and Sakura-chaaaaaaaaan." Retorted Sasuke.

"The rookie 9 plus 3 battle evil aliens on planet umeboshi!" Naruto yelped, while many of his friends rolled their eyes.

"The rookie 9 plus 3 are all different animals and have to fight a giant snake!" Kiba grinned.

"We're all transported to an alternate reality where bugs control the world and use humans for science experiments."

"Ew, Shino, that is sooooooo gross!" Moaned Tenten. "Here's my idea- an alternate universe where we're all samurai and we have to duel each other to the death!"

"Ah, Tenten, that sounds youthful! Mine is similar to Tenten's, only we are gladiators!"

Neji chortled. "I don't care what we write about, so long as it is well written."

Hinata tented her fingers together- "They are all really nice...I...I don't mind what we write about either."

Shikamaru sighed. "This is all so troublesome, I don't care what it's about. Choji?"

"I have a great idea!" Choji spoke up. "We're all chefs and we're competing for who can make the best food!" Shikamaru grinned. "Like Iron Chef? I like that."

"Ok, let's vote then!"

After everyone had voted, Ino was shocked to find that there was a tie. "Ok guys, it's going to be a story twenty years in the future- and a romantic comedy about Naruto and Sasuke-kun."

"OH HELLS NO!" Roared Naruto and Sasuke.

"Come on guys, my idea won fair and square!" Sakura chortled.

Sasuke made hand motions- "Release!"

Nothing happened.

Sakura rolled her eyes and retorted, "Idiot, I won fair and square, without any genjutsu. Stop being such a spoiled sport."

"Guys! What about no lemons!" Naruto moaned like the drama queen he was.

Kiba, a little red in the face from too much sake, started chanting, "Lemons! Lemons! Lemons!"

Ino grimaced. "Kiba, get your perverted mind out of the gutter and shut the hell up. We already agreed that there won't be any lemons! Do you not remember the point of this fanfic!"

It was no use- Kiba was laughing too hard to hear her.

Sakura began, "Once upon a time, there were two Ninja from the village of Konoha who were deeply in love with each other-"

"FUCK NO SAKURA!" Naruto and Sasuke shouted.

Shikamaru, who usually couldn't be bothered with this crap, was starting to be amused. He blamed it on the alcohol, but he actually spoke up- "Let's make Sasuke and Naruto fight like an old married couple. Naruto can so be the feme in the relationship."

Sakura started to shake with laughter as Kiba chimed in, "Naruto totally likes it on the bottom!"

Naruto, mortified at this point, fainted.

"Guys, come on, this story sucks. How about I kill him in the story, that would make it way better?" Sasuke chimed in.

"A tragic murder ballad- I like it!" Neji smiled sadistically.

"Ah- everyone- ah- this isn't very nice!" Hinata chided.

Ino nodded. "As fun as it is to think of Naruto and Sasuke being murderously sexy together, we're never going to write a story at this rate." Ino stuck her tongue out at Kiba and Shikamaru. "Let's just go with us twenty years in the future, k?"

Kiba was about to argue, but Sakura was giving him the stare of death so he shut up.

Shikamaru began, "It is 20 years in the future and a new threat comes to shatter the peace of the Konoha village...um...like..."

Ino rolled her eyes. "A new enemy was approaching- a horde of rouge ninja who hated Konoha, peace, and anything to do with ramen."

"Ramen haters! Bastards!" Naruto burst out.

Sasuke continued, "The wise and beneficent Hokage, Uchiha Sasuke-"

"Dobe, you can't be the fucking Hogake! You have a bad track record!"

"Hn. Just did it to piss you off, ass clown."

"Fuck-"

Ino broke in, "The Hokage, Lady Ino, turned to her advisor Shikamaru as to how to address the foe."

Shikamaru grinned and continued, "My lady, you must dispatch the rookie 9 plus 3, minus yourself of course, to deal with this threat. At this time, all the ninja had been promoted to jonin and were all a part of the ANBU black opps, except for Naruto of course because he was too much of a fuck up and remained a genin."

"Bugger off Shikamaru." Naruto grumbled.

Sakura, having pity, commented, "Just let him be a jonin and an ANBU Shikamaru, he's gone through enough torture today."

"Aw, thanks Sakura-chan, you really care." Naruto smiled sweetly at her.

Sakura smirked and continued. "Lady Ino replied, 'Ah, Shikamaru, I couldn't possibly send one of those ninja, for Hinata is pregnant and I cannot risk her safety!'"

Hinata looked up in horror while Ino picked up the thread, "Shikamaru looked at the Hokage askance. 'In truth my lady? Whose child does she carry?' The Hokage sighed and gazed out the window towards the Hokage monument. 'forsooth, she is heavy with the child of Uzumaki Naruto, that indecent slut. But hark, please do not make this common knowledge, for Hyuuga Hiashi and Hyuuga Neji would certainly separate his balls from his body should they know of it.'"

Sasuke burst out laughing, Naruto looked like he just swallowed a turd, and Hinata's face resembled that of an overripe tomato. Naruto muttered, "Sakura-chan, you really do hate me!"

Neji chimed in, "Veto. This is totally inappropriate and embarrassing you idiots. Right Hinata?"

"I-I-" Hinata tried to force the words out of her swollen mouth, "It's ok Neji...I- I- don't mind."

Neji and Naruto both blanched, but had no time to comment as Tenten picked up the story.

"'But lady Hokage, there is something that you must know!' Shikamaru's face was pale as he faced his superior. 'Naruto- Naruto has been secretly banging Uchiha Sasuke, yea, acts of carnal love he has enjoyed with that Uchiha bastard.'"

Tenten roared with laughter while Lee chimed in, "Alright Naruto, that is very youthful indeed!"

Sasuke moaned and drained his cup of sake, while Shikamaru chimed in, "The noble Nara proclaimed to Ino, 'Yes m'lady, it is true. Naruto is indeed a man slut, the likes of which this village has never seen! And I am afraid that if the news of his treachery leaked out, then the Hyuuga clan would certainly murder this numbskull!"

"GUYS! WHAT THE-" Naruto protested until Sakura punched him in the face. He grumbled, "With friends like these...assholes."

Sakura cleared her throat and continued, "'We cannot have fighting in the ranks of our most noble ninja in our time of war, thusly, I Ino-pig the lady Hokage proclaim that Naruto and Hinata will be married this very day!'"

Hinata's cheeks, at this point, were journeying into uncharted territory of red. Neji looked over at her, concerned, but she smiled. She wasn't going to protest her own wedding to Naruto-kun, after all!

Ino continued, "'Yes, Shikamaru, and I, lady Ino, noble leader of Konoha and sexiest Kunoichi ever to have graced the land of Fire, I will marry Sasuke Uchiha and thus restore harmony to the ranks."

"Oi, Ino-pig, you can't marry Sasuke in this story! Either he marries me or he is totally gay for Naruto, you can't have your cake and eat it too!"

Ino rolled her eyes. "Listen up billboard brow, I'm the mother fucking Hokage and I'll do what I want."

Sasuke interrupted, "Does anyone have a gun? I'd like to shoot myself now."

Ino snorted, "Shut up Uchiha. Would you rather be having hot gay sex with that dobe over there or marry me?"

Sasuke snorted back, "Hn. Fine. I'll marry you, but just this once."

Ino squealed and continued, "'Nara Shikamaru, I command you to bring before me Hyuuga Hinata, Uzumaki Naruto, and Uchiha Sasuke.' Shikamaru went to do his lady's bidding, but on the way he was accosted by a messenger from the sand, the beautiful Temari."

Neji swooped in for this one and continued, "Temari took the Nara by the collar and hissed in his ear, 'I have been traveling these many days with my noble warriors to help defend this fair city. What do you offer me in payment, oh counsellor to the Hokage?' Shikamaru's face paled, for he knew that his beloved village would be doomed without the help from the sand village. 'Verily m'lady, for whatever boon you desire, I shall gladly pay.' 'Ah, then Shikamaru, I must tell you I overheard your conversation with the lady Hokage, and I demand that in payment you must marry me you sexy man you!'"

Shikamaru groaned. "Not only is that gross Neji, but I think you don't really know how to use 'verily' in a sentence."

Choji snorted. "This is getting good."

Tenten shouted in a sing song voice, "Shikamaru replied, 'Yes, Temari, for you are the love of my life, and I would marry no one but you!' Then, they passionately kissed! HAHAHAHA!"

Sakura chimed, "The Nara then took his leave of the sand kunoichi and proceeded to fulfill the Hokage's command. As he gathered all the ninja and began to make his way to the Hokage's tower, he was met by his friend Choji."

Choji looked up, startled. "Guys, leave me out of this."

"Oh come on!" Sakura chided. "Even Shikamaru is joining in the fun! Ok, then Choji, the noble ninja from the Akimichi clan, asked what the matter was. When he learned of the Hokage's plans, he cried, 'But verily, I do love the lady Hokage, and I shall have none but her! You Uchiha bastard, you can fuck off!"

Choji rolled his eyes. "Fuck you Sakura." He was blushing profusely.

Sakura's eyes twinkled as she continued, "The Uchiha bastard then looked at Choji and said mournfully, 'Ah, Choji, I have no choice, for the Hokage hath ordered me to wed her this very hour, and my heart is full of sorrow as well for I have no other love than my darling SAKURA!' At this Choji wept. Shikamaru could not stand his dear friend's tears and cried, 'This is indeed a dreadful day, dear Choji, but fear not for I have a plan- you must go, Uchiha bastard, go henceforth and take Sakura and head to the temple and marry her at once, and then Ino's plan will be foiled."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Will you guys stop passing me around like I'm some kind of gigolo?"

Naruto whispered, "At least you aren't banging me. Just let them have their fun." Naruto commenced to bury his face in his cup of sake.

Everyone was surprised as Hinata spoke up, even as she was choking on a blush. "May I have- may I have a turn? Ah, so then Sasuke ran off to..ah..find his beloved Sakura, while the rest of the group ran on to the Hokage's tower. When they arrived, lady Ino screamed, 'And where is the Uchiha bastard?' to which Shikamaru could not speak, but sir Choji strode forth and proclaimed, 'My lady, I have heroically punched his lights out and he now lays unconscious and bleeding on the streets of Konoha.' Choji lied, buying Sasuke more time to run off with Sakura. 'Forsooth, it is I that love you above all others, and Sasuke, who is clearly gay, would offer you no pleasure in your marriage bed- while I, of noble heart, have loved you always and now beg of you to marry me.' Hee hee..." Hinata smiled, blushing as red as a ripe strawberry.

Neji looked at her in awe. "Nice, Hinata-sama!"

Choji choked on his chips.

Shino raised his eyebrows and said, "Very well done Hinata-chan. May I now have a go?" Shino cleared his throat and continued in his best falsetto, " Lady Ino's face paled. 'Oh, my dearest Choji, how could I have never noticed your doting attention! I never knew, and all this time I wasted my affections on that piece of garbage Uchiha. Indeed, let us be married this very instant!' Lady Ino wept." Sasuke glared at Shino at the repeated paring of his name with "garbage" and "bastard".

Choji mumbled "I fucking hate you guys..."

Ino was surprisingly quiet. "Choji, do you really like me...as more than a friend?" Shikamaru smacked his head. Choji stuttered, "I...I...well..."

Sakura laughed, "Hey guys, let's get back to the story!" Choji breathed a sigh of relief and shot Sakura a look of gratitude. Sakura continued, "And thus, the honorable elder lady Tsunade joined Hinata and Naruto in marriage, as well as lady Ino and Choji, and Temari and Shikamaru. But there was no time to celebrate, for the rouge ninja and ramen haters stood by the gates of Konoha, and the ninja raced forward into battle. Neji and Tenten were already at the battlements, defending the walls of the fair village from the onslaught."

Rock Lee raised his hand and continued the story. Mustering up his best high voice, he began, "Tenten turned to Neji and said, 'Neji, the enemy are many and I am fearful- I can clearly see my death before my eyes, and before that fateful moment there is something I must confess! For all these nigh and many years, I have been secretly, deeply in love with you. Should we survive this horrific day, let me be your wife and I shall bear you 30 children! It would be most youthful!'"

Neji coughed and glared at his rival, who had a shit eating grin plastered to his face. Hinata raised her hand and continued in her best impression of Neji. "My dearest Tenten, forsooth, you have spoken the words that I was going to whisper in your ear. It seems that you have more balls than I. My dearest, let us survive this day and be wed!"

The room broke out into applause. Neji hid his face in his hands while Tenten patted Hinata on the back, as Tenten was a good sport (and was secretly pleased that Hinata considered her to have bigger balls than Neji). Kiba roared with laughter and raised his hand. "Ok, I can't let Hinata outdo me. Here's my first go at it. Ahem. Meanwhile, on the other side of the village, Sasuke approached Sakura, who was head of the med ward (I guess in addition to being an ANBU black ops) and was organizing the medical ninja. He cried, 'My dearest Sakura, verily you must marry me this minute for my heart is yours and Lady Ino is trying to shackle me with the chains of marriage. Will you take me, Lady Haruno?' Sakura looked at him and stated, 'Sasuke, you are a slut, you are totally gay for Naruto, and I'm dating the damn sexy ninja Rock Lee. So suck my nuts and go defend the village like you should be doing right now, instead of bothering me dobe. I ain't your fan girl no more.' Sasuke, defeated, left Sakura."

Rock Lee punched the air. "Nice Kiba, that was quite youthful! And now, allow me. On the front lines, Rock Lee, Kiba, Naruto, Shino, Tenten, Neji, Temari, Shikamaru, and Hinata kicked the crap out of the invading ninja. By the time Sasuke arrived, they were all dead and Sasuke got none of the glory. After the battle, there was much youthful rejoicing, yosh! In youthful passion, a double wedding was held for Rock Lee and Sakura, as well as for Tenten and Neji, and there was a tremendous amount of youthful drinking!"

Ino sighed. "And Sasuke spent the rest of his life old, alone, a virgin, in a house full of cats. The end."

Sakura giggled, "I think we just wrote the worst piece of shit fanfic ever...let's post it on the internet!"

"HOORAY!" Naruto yelled, "We are done with this freak show. Now pass the sake." He took a big gulp and then went up to Hinata, whispering in her ear, "You enjoyed that too much!"

Blushing stop-sign red, she replied, "Well, it was a happy ending for you- you ended up with a hot rich girl, and not as Sasuke's little bitch." Naruto's eyes widened. "Hinata, you are a nut when you're drunk. Come over here with me and I'll pour you some sake." Hinata nodded and sat close- very close- to Naruto.

Ino made her way over to Choji and poured him a drink. "Hey..." She said shyly.

Tenten elbowed Neji in the side. "Hey hot stuff, pour me some more sake." He rolled his eyes and complied.

Sakura went over to the computer and pressed publish. "Cha! We did it guys! We fucking rule!"

* * *

Lol, hope my boring snowed in day produced some amusement for ya:) If you like stuff like this, review and let me know! I'll happily oblige you with more fanfic:) Thanks so much for your reviews, they really make my day!


	2. Chapter 2: Revenge of the Sand Princess

Thanks so much for all your wonderful reviews:) Due to popular demand I've decided to expand this story into a collection of one-shots. That being said, the next bit has two parts:) And it follows the plot of the last story...so they are kinda sorta all part of the same story and not one shots in any way shape or form...damn! You got me! Oh well, read and review my pretties, or Temari will whap you with her fan!

**Disclaimer:** Nope, don't own Naruto, and I don't make money with fanfic. :)

* * *

The Pen Mightier Than The Sword, Part One: Revenge of The Sand Princess

Temari lay on her stomach on her disheveled bed, clad only in her bra and underwear. She was sweating profusely.

"Ku-soooo." She hissed through clenched teeth. It was really, really, fucking hot out. Worst of all, there was a raging sand storm outside and she had to keep her windows shut. _I need something to distract me from this shitty weather...before I lose my mind._ The Kazekage, also known as her baby brother Gaara, had mentioned that Konoha had just endured a terrible snowstorm earlier that week, but Temari couldn't feel sorry for those bastards. What she wouldn't give for cool, sweet snow right now. Those lucky fuckers.

Thankfully, being a princess of the Sand did have some perks. Exhibit A, her new iphone. Exhibit B, newly installed Wi-Fi (they weren't going to be outdone by Konoha in ninjutsu or in internet access damn it!). Idly, Temari loaded her gmail and scanned her inbox for something that could take her mind off the bone crushing heat. Suddenly, her eyes widened as she opened an email marked "urgent" from her brother Kankuro-

Temari's mind was a whirl- _Is it the Akatsuki? __Rogue__ ninja? What? What damn it!_

Temari breathed out a sigh of relief as she read the email, sighing aloud, "I don't think Kankuro knows the meaning of _urgent_...stupid makeup freak, he almost gave me a heart attack there." The email read simply:

From: SexyPuppetMaster230 at yahoo dot com

To: SandPrincess1982 at gmail dot com

CC: LoveKanji001 at hotmail dot com

Subject: URGENT!

Dear siblings, you simply must check out the link in the forwarded email below.

LOL,

Kanky

"_Quit pulling my strings!" (waka waka!)_

Temari rolled her eyes at her brother's totally lame signature and proceeded to read-

From: RamenHokage1 at gmail dot com

To: SexyPuppetMaster230 at yahoo dot com

Subject: Totally sweeeeeeeeet!

Yo Kankuro, me and the gang- rookie 9 + 3- wrote the best fucking crack fic ever. Check it- but DON'T show Temari, Shikamaru would kill me!

Here it is:

Our-shitty-fanfic slash fanfic dot net

Believe it!

~Uzumaki Naruto

_"I won't run away anymore... I won't go back on my word... that is my ninja way!" ~The Next Hokage!_

Another lame-ass signature. Temari rolled her eyes.

At this point, Temari didn't have high hopes for what the link would lead to, but anything was better than focusing on the heat. Sighing and smiling slightly, Temari clicked on the link. She didn't know what the heck fanfic was, let alone "crack fic" (were the Konoha nin getting into drugs?), but she began reading regardless. At first she snorted with laughter- Naruto and Sasuke huh? She admitted that she wasn't surprised. She was enjoying the part where "Lady Ino" bossed that lazy-ass Shikamaru around...but as she read on, her enjoyment vanished.

_What...did...they...just have me say...to SHIKAMARU?_

_Unforgivable!_

Temari scanned the document further- while she approved of Sasuke-no-bastard dying old and alone with 500 cats, she was not a fan of her wedding to _Shikamaru-no-lazy-sack-of-shit._

Ignoring the oppressive heat, Temari sat upright in bed. "THIS IS WAR!" She threw on a light dress and stormed through the house to Kankuro's room, and rapped loudly on his door.

"KANKURO?"

She heard peels of laughter coming from inside the room. Temari narrowed her eyes. "Gaara, are YOU in there TOO?" The laughter only increased. Temari slammed the door open and barged in to find her two brothers laughing and rolling around on the floor.

"Whats. So. Funny?" Temari snarled, speaking slowly and menacingly. Since her two idiot brothers were too busy laughing themselves to death, Temari turned to the computer screen above their collapsed figures.

"So...you think the fanfic that Shikamaru and Naruto wrote is FUNNY...do you?"

Gaara sniffled and sat up. He looked up at his sister with big puppy eyes.

"THAT IS NOT GOING TO HELP YOU, BRAT!" Temari roared. Normally, she was a sucker for Gaara's puppy eyes, but today was not going to be that day. Unfortunately, her outburst merely brought on more furious bouts of laughter from her siblings.

Five minutes later, Kankuro and Gaara were nursing their bruised heads with icepacks- icepacks that were rapidly melting in the heat and thus were not of much use. "Kuso," Kankuro mumbled, "My head fucking hurts Temari!" Gaara just sat there in sullen silence.

"Good." Temari barked. "If you don't want me to beat you to the brink of death, you will now shut up and do as I say."

Kankuro groaned, and was quickly whapped over the head with a fan.

"For fuck's sake Te-"

"Shove it. You brought this on yourself. Now," Temari said deviously, "you two morons are going to help me get my revenge. My sweet sweet revenge."

The brothers moaned.

"You want us to slash his tires?"

"Kidnap his cat?"

"Beat him up?"

"Key his car?"

Temari shook her head. "No, no, those things are all delightful, but my revenge involves an eye for an eye, public humiliation, YES, he will be the laughingstock of the Leaf and the Sand-"

Gaara cut her off- "You want us to spy on him, get footage of him jerking off, and post it on youtube?"

Temari eyed her brother. "That's going a liiiiiiiitle too far, Gaara-kun." Seriously, her brother had a real sadistic streak in him. She patted him on the head and continued, "I want you two to help me write a FANFIC!" Temari smiled manically, flashing her brilliantly white teeth at them.

"Awwwwwww!" Gaara and Kankuro moaned simultaneously.

Temari raised her fan.

"OK! OK!" They both cried in unison.

Temari smiled her toothy grin again. "Hai! Let's get started!"

Five hours later, a bedraggled pair of ninja and a triumphant looking kunoichi had written 20 pages of drivel. "Read it out loud Kankuro!" Temari barked.

Kankuro sighed. "Temari, I really think this is the shittiest work of literature-"

"Did I ask your opinion? Shut up and READ!"

A tiny squeak exited Kankuro's mouth. He cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed at the unmanly noise that had just left his lips, and began.

"Once upon a time, a beautiful and wise princess dwelt in the land of Sand with her two idiot brothers. Gaara and Kankuro." Kankuro looked up at Temari in a pleading fashion, but she bade him to continue reading with her kunai. Sighing, Kankuro recited, "The beautiful princess Temari was as dangerous as she was stunning, and had many suitors from all over the land asking for her hand in marriage. But the princess disdained of them all. She proclaimed to her brothers, 'I will travel the world looking for a suitor, and lo perhaps I shall find him in a distant land.' Her brothers insisted on coming with her, but Temari was brave and bid them ado to travel the world on her own.

"She had not traveled but three days till she came upon a run-down and crappy village in the forest. She looked upon the insignia that studded the gates, and it read 'Welcome to the Leaf Village'. The princess thought to herself, 'I doubt that I will find a husband in this dump, but it doth behoove me to try.' The princess made her way into town, when suddenly her stomach rumbled. She asked the first stranger she saw where she could find a bite to eat, and the stranger referred her to the only 'restaurant' in town, which was called 'Icky Raku's Ramen Palace'. She bought a bowl of noodles and took a bite. Wow, did it suck. It really tasted like pure ass. The princess sighed. Another patron of the establishment noticed her sigh and strode over- he wore a garish orange jumpsuit made of tacky polyester, he had a glazed look- much like a doughnut- in his eyes, and dumb spiky yellow hair.

The stranger spoke- 'm'lady, why-for-do-you sigh?'

Knowing it was rude to insult the only restaurant in town, albeit a sub par one, the lady instead asked, 'Dear sir, who is the bravest, strongest, smartest, and best looking ninja in your village?'

The imbecile replied, 'Why my lady, it is I, Uzumaki Naruto, I am destined to become this land's next Hokage! Dattebayo!'

The lady smiled sweetly, and she thought of two things. One, she recollected that this village was sure to turn even shittier if this dobe were ever made Hokage, and two, if this was the best the village had to offer, she would have better luck to look elsewhere. Still, she held onto hope and asked the moron, 'And forsooth, who in your village is the second bravest, strongest, smartest, and best looking shinobi?'

The numbskull stood a while in thought-"

Gaara broke into the narrative here. "Temari-chan, don't you think you're being a little too harsh to Naruto?"

Temari bonked him on the head with her fan. "Nope. Now shut up and let Kankuro read."

Kankuro sighed and took up his narrative again, "The numbskull stood a while in thought, and then he spoke, saying thus: 'There is a great ninja in this land, who is known to have the keenest intellect, although he isn't very brave, is not very strong, but he doth look alright I guess. Hark, I shall bring him nigh! Move not, fair lady'

And with that, the blonde ninja disappeared. Fair Temari tried to pick at her bowl of inedible ramen, and was relieved when the ninja returned with his friend, for verily it meant she could throw the salty noodles into the trash pail.

'Hark, fair lady Temari, I have brought you my dear friend Shikamaru, truly a noble ninja among men.'

It was then that Temari decided that her whole mission was a waste of time, and it would be more worthwhile for her to invest in an expensive and well made vibrator than to look further in this wide world for a husband."

Kankuro's voice stuttered over the word "vibrator", and mumbled, "Jeez Temari, don't you think this is a bit graphic and-"

Temari whacked him with the back of her hand. "Who told you to stop reading?" Temari hissed.

Kankuro thought to himself, _Next time Temari has her period, I'm going to conveniently be out of the village on a mission._ Despite this thought, he cleared his throat and continued, "The lady thanked both men for their time but informed them that sadly, she was going to head back home. At this, the ninja known as Shikamaru wailed, 'Fairest bloom of the desert, allow me to escort you home, for verily do I know the shortest way there, and verily I would perish should anything happen to you on the way.' It seemed that the young man had fallen in love with her beauty, but the princess- who was wise in discerning the character of others- saw that Shikamaru was a lazy, good for nothing, chicken-shit coward. However, no matter how the lady did protest, Shikamaru would not leave her side.

"Finally, the lady relented, and let the putz accompany her home. They had not been traveling but one day, when a band of rogue ninja attacked them. 'Fear not my love, for I shall protect thee!' The young ninja did cry. But no sooner had he uttered the words, then a ninja knocked him on the head and tied him to a tree. The princess cursed her dickless traveling companion and took out her fan. The rogue ninja called, 'what are you going to do, fan me to death?' when Temari channeled her chakra into her weapon and blew the mother fuckers away in one fell swoop. She untied her traveling companion, muttering, 'You ok moron?' to which the moron responded, somewhat sheepishly, 'Hai.' Vowing to prove his manhood to the fair princess, Shikamaru promised that he would indeed protect her next time on the long journey home. Temari rolled her eyes and punched him in the face. Still, the ninja would not leave her side and thus she was forced to 'enjoy' his banal conversations on their journey.

"They were not traveling but two days when a band of thieves and murderers gathered about. 'M'lady, I will protect you with my life!' Cried the Nara, but no sooner had he proclaimed this then the thieves threw a rock at his head and he passed out. The princess rolled her eyes, shot out a round of kunai at the bastards, and then smashed their heads in with her fan. The mother fuckers didn't stand a chance, and they all lay dead, bloody and mangled in a heap by her feet. She then proceeded to hit the Nara over the head, who then woke up and proceeded to follow her like a lost little puppy. The princess sighed.

Finally, on the third day of their travels they came upon the Sand kingdom. When they arrived, Temari's noble brothers Kankuro and Lord Gaara came to meet her. When they saw the dweeb with her, they both burst out laughing. 'Is this the husband you brought back with you from the wide world?' Lord Gaara asked. 'Oh hells no. I brought him home as a lil' present for Kankuro. He's all yours lil' brother.' So thus, that was how Shikamaru became Kankuro's sex slave, and they renamed the Nara boy 'the cracken.'. Temari later settled down with a rich, handsome, and all around awesome prince from a different kingdom. END."

Kankuro stuck out his tongue at his sister. "Come on Temari, can't the asshole end up fucking Gaara?" Whap! This time Gaara punched Kankuro on the arm, which made him yelp in a very unmanly-like fashion. "I like it Temari!" Gaara giggled. He reached over his brother's shoulder and pressed "publish."

There was a moment of silence.

"Now what?" Kankuro asked miserably.

"Time to email Sa-ku-ra-chaaaaan!" Temari smiled sweetly...

* * *

LOL, to be continued! If you simply can't wait to find out what happens next, feel free to motivate me with a lil' review my dears! Thanks so much for reading, I really appreciate all your lovely reviews and PM's:) Farewell and goodnight:)


	3. Chapter 3: Shadow Boxer

Lol, I got soooo into writing this, and I thought I'd post this next bit in two parts since it's awfully long (and since I haven't finished the 2nd part, and Kami forbid you should have to wait!)

Rugiku: Oh crack fic. Glad you like;)

Plain. Toast. II: Wait no more, Shikamaru's revenge is about to begin!

KonohaOrangeHokage: Damn Straight! XD right back at ya:)

TalaTati19: How right you are! Whahaha, time for the war to commence!

Echo Uchiha: Thanks as always:)

I am L with a death note: OMG, thanks for the cookie it was super tasty. As promised, an update:)

Demonkittee: Wow, a chocolate and a happy dance! Ye-haw! Arigato!

Jaguar in shadows: Sorry to cause your death via laughter:-P

**Disclaimer**: Nope, still don't own Naruto. I don't receive money for fanfic, just your undying love and affection.

And so, without further ado:

* * *

The Pen Mightier Than The Sword, Part 2: Shadow Boxer

Note: There is a playlist that goes with the next two parts of the fic, you can either PM me, email me at wingedmercurygrrl at gmail dot com for the link, find my profile "winged mercury" on grooveshark dot com, or maybe, just maybe this link will publish:

http : / listen. grooveshark .com/playlist/Shadow+Boxer+Mix/51085578?src=5 (take out those extra spaces- like between grooveshark and .com- and you'll get there me hearties:)

The playlist is called "Shadow Boxer"

Whew! You'll see, the music goes along with the story!

* * *

"_Oh, you creep up like the clouds, and you set my soul at ease  
Then you let your love abound, and you bring me to my knees..._

_You made me a shadow boxer, baby, I wanna be ready for what you do  
I've been swinging around 'cause, I don't know when you're gonna make your move"_

~Fiona Apple, Shadow Boxer

Shikamaru was crouched down in his I'm-thinking-of-a-shogi-move stance, fingertips all lightly touching, brow furrowed.

_Mendokusai..._

_Mendokusai..._

_Men-do-ku-sai..._

He sighed. He had spent the better part of the day mapping out all of his strategies. He'd played out dozens- no, hundreds!- of scenarios in his head. Now, his mind had finally "clicked" on the best solution to the problem, but instead of willing himself to action, he stayed in his shogi-move-pondering-no-jutsu position, and all he could think of after that was one word..._mendokusai._

Then, after another moment, there were other words that he muttered aloud: "Kuso. Shit. Fuck. Shit." For the village's supposedly most intelligent ninja, Shikamaru felt like a class "A" asshole. Suddenly, he felt a sharp, heavy _something_ on his back, forcing him to fall over- he landed flat on his face. A moment passed. Shikamaru did not move.

"You just going to just stay there all day, lazy-ass?"

Shikamaru winced and slowly rolled over onto his back, choosing to look up at the clouds instead of at his assailant.

"Ohio, Ino."

Ino raised an eyebrow. "And if by good _morning_ you mean _afternoon..._for goodness sake Shika, it's already 4 pm!"

"Hmmm."

Ino considered kicking him again, but instead sighed and lay down next to her teammate, joining him in cloud gazing. "So you got Sakura-chan's email I presume?"

Shikamaru sighed through clenched teeth, which made a low hissing sound. "Yessss. I read Temari's Fanfic...about that...Ino, I'm going to need you help."

Ino propped herself up on her elbow and looked down at the Nara in delight- "Does this mean you want me to help you with your _revenge_ against _Temari_!" She squealed.

Shikamaru sighed. _Mendokusai..._ "Hai..."

"Oh Shika, but what do I get in return? I mean-"

Shikamaru cut her off, "Besides the unimaginable thrill of being up in my grill, I'll treat you to barbeque for lunch. But really, really, I think you'll enjoy this plan so much, you won't need an incentive..."

Ino pouted, her puppy eyes brimming over with fake tears. "But Shi-ka-kun, I want a whole _week_ of barbeque!"

"Fine. Do we have a deal?"

"Hai! Hai! What's our first move captain?"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes at his overeager friend. "I need you to assemble an elite team. Bring Choji, Naruto, Sakura, and Hinata over to my place. While you do that, I'll draw up the battle plan..."

Ino pouted again- "Don't I get to hear the plan first, Shika-kuuuuuun?"

"That wasn't part of the deal. See you soon." Shikamaru got up and leapt towards his house with more speed than Ino thought was necessary. "Humph. Fine!", Ino spat as she watched his figure recede in the distance, "But this _plan_ better be brilliant!" Then again, knowing Shikamaru it probably would be, and thus Ino's disappointment quickly turned into excitement. She rubbed her hands together in anticipation, and set off to assemble the "team."

About half-an-hour later, Naruto was complaining in front of his teammates, "Oi! Shikamaru! Ino said there would be free ramen!"

"That's not what I said, lame-brain! I said we had to act for the _glory_ of Ramen!" Ino rolled her eyes.

"Ooooooh yeah! What's this I hear about a ramen hater?"

Sakura chortled and handed the dead-last her iphone. "Sit. Read. Good dobe."

"Aw, come on Sakura-chan, I'm not a dog!" Begrudgingly, he took the phone and began to read.

Hinata spoke up, tapping her fingers together. "Ah- Sh-shikamaru-kun...Ino-chan said this was i-important. She also said you h-had something s-special for m-me."

Choji nodded, "Oi, and I was promised chips!"

Shikamaru nodded and held up a grocery bag. "In this bag, I have 5 extra-large party-sized bags of barbeque chips, 5 cups of chicken flavored instant ramen, and a 2 gallon jug of sake." Everyone applauded but Hinata, who blushed, continuing to tap her fingers. "Ah-ah, Shikamaru-kun, I'm not supposed to have any more alcohol...since that p-party at S-sakura's..."

"Oh, come on Hinata-chan, Neji-san isn't here to tattle on you- don't you want to help your friends?" Ino asked her in a syrupy voice.

"Ah-ah, of course, b-but-"

Ino cut off Hinata's protest by throwing her arm around the girl and shouting, "Good, I'll pour you a drink!" Ino passed around the cups of sake and food as Shikamaru cleared his throat-

Only to be interrupted by a girly shriek-

"WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?" Naruto roared post-girly-shriek.

Sakura hit him over the head, muttering, "I take it you got to the part where Temari insulted your precious ramen."

"Not just any ramen! Ichiraku ramen! Oh, this is WAR! Shikamaru, did you read this?"

As Sakura socked her idiotic teammate again, Shikamaru cleared his throat and began, "I've assembled you all here today to help me get revenge on Temari...and...ah...to defend the honor of Ichiraku..."

Naruto fisted the air- "FUCK YEAH!"

Hinata hid her blushing face in her sake cup, draining the contents quickly, while Sakura tackled Naruto and put a hand over his mouth.

"Can I continue Naruto?" Shikamaru asked wryly.

"Mphh mrbp." Which in muffle speak means, "Yeah, sure."

_Anything to get that dobe's co-operation. I need his skills...plus, if he's down for the cause, Hinata will follow, and I need her drunken genius to help me with the mission._ Shikamaru cleared his throat for the umpteenth time that day and stated, "You all possess unique skills that are necessary for this mission. But before I tell you what the ultimate goal of this mission is, I'll need you all to complete phase A, since phase B is classified."

Sakura arched an eyebrow. "Is this fanfic revenge or an S ranked mission?"

Shikamaru answered in all seriousness, "Both. Think about it guys- Temari is out for my blood. If she kills me, Choji and Ino won't stand for it and they'll kill Temari. But then Gaara and Kankuro will come and kill Ino and Choji, and then before you know it, we'll have the next ninja war on our hands."

Ino looked at him quizzically. "Shikamaru, have you been smoking pot again? Because you are starting to sound paranoid..."

Shikamaru waved away her concerns. "All you need to know right now is phase one of your individual missions. Choji, Ino, I need you to team up." He handed them a slip of paper. "I need you to go online and assemble all these songs into a mix as soon as possible."

"This is idiotic Shikamaru..." Ino moaned.

"Ino, I just need you to trust me on this one- have I ever let you down?" He handed them a joint and a bag of chips. "This will help."

"You _have_ been hitting the reefer! You know that stuff makes you _fat_!" Ino yelped.

Choji snorted, "Awesome! Come on Ino, let's get high, put together a mix, and then feast on this giant bag of chips when we have the munchies!" Without waiting for the blonde to argue, Choji happily dragged her off to the office.

Sakura looked at Shikamaru suspiciously. "So that's why your lazy ass is always staring at clouds, and why Choji always has the munchies."

At this point, a tipsy Hinata chimed in, "You two dweebs are like worse than Scooby-doo and Shaggy!" She started laughing hysterically, but Shikamaru just smiled. _Good, she's wasted. Now to give them their mission._ "Hinata and Naruto, you two have a very important scouting assignment. You are to obtain a copy of Icha Icha."

Naruto moaned. "Are you fucking kidding me? You want that smut?"

"Naruto, this manual is essential to the success of our mission. But I suppose if you really don't want to, we can just let those Sand Ninja bad-mouth our ramen all they want-"

"Hai! I will do it, but only for the honor of my ramen." Naruto stood, holding his hand over his heart, and bellowed, "And that's a promise!"

Hinata steadied herself- was the room spinning? Someone should look into that!- and asked, "Shikamaru, do you have a plan for us?"

He nodded and handed Hinata a piece of paper marked, TOP SECRET.

Naruto and Hinata read over it slowly- Naruto blushed ketchup red, but Hinata cheered. "Come on Naruto, let's DO IT!"

A small "Eeep" escaped Naruto's lips as he was dragged off by his partner.

Sakura looked at Shikamaru and asked, with a trace of skepticism tinting her voice, "So what's my job?"

Shikamaru produced a video camera and grinned wickedly, "We video tape Naruto and Hinata getting the book."

"Nani? Is that really part of your plan?"

"No... this part is just for fun... and possibly for youtube...!"

Cackling, Sakura murmured, "Shika-kun, you really are an evil genius."

* * *

Kakashi-sensei was quietly enjoying his day off reading his favorite smut, his mask hiding a pervy smile. However, a ninja was always alert, and he sensed someone approaching...he fingered a kunai idly, but was not prepared for what happened next-

"WHAAAA! WHAAAAA WHAAA!"

"What the- oh Hinata-chan, are you ok?" But the Hyuuga just kept bawling as she ran towards him. Kakashi noticed her mascara was running (since when did Hinata wear make-up?), and that she was not wearing her usual ninja outfit. He was glad his mask hid his blush as his eyes inadvertently took in her outfit: a tight, black leather corset showed off her considerable assets, while a mini-skirt and fishnets graced the rest of her...ahem...ass-sets. Kakashi cursed himself for thinking smutty thoughts and pervy puns about Kurenai's student, but he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed as the poor girl sat down next to him on the bench.

"Oh Kakashi-sensei, Naruto and I got into a fight! He was so mean to me on our date, WHAAAAA!"

"There, there, Hinata-chan, I'm sure-" Kakashi tried to reassure the girl, but his train of thought was derailed- just then, Naruto stormed by.

"Hinata! How could you! I can't believe you would hook up with Kiba!"

Hinata bawled, "I didn't want to Naruto-kun, he just attacked me with his lips! I swear! I love only you!"

Kakashi tried to back away slowly, but the blonde shouted, "Kakashi! Don't move! I want you to witness this!"

Kakashi muttered, "Ah- I don't think-"

"Naruto-kun! You are being unfair, I only have eyes for you!" She was breathing heavily, and Kakashi tried not to notice her bosoms heaving up and down against the tight laces of the corset-

"Hinata, I just don't know what to say, I thought you loved me!"

"I do Naruto-kun and I'll prove it!" Hinata grabbed Naruto's shoulders and smashed her lips against his. The couple started pressing up against each other and moaning. Kakashi was sweating- he wanted to run, but he was transfixed to the spot- like a deer in headlights- as he was forced to watch the "free movie" unfold before him. But when Naruto's hand started groping Hinata's barely clad butt, lifting up her skirt and thereby flashing Kakashi a pair of hot pink thongs, Kakashi blacked out with a horrendous nosebleed.

A Naruto clone popped up behind him and snatched Kakashi's precious signed copy of Icha Icha.

Naruto and Hinata broke their lip-lock long enough to whoop, "VICTORY!" The real Naruto took the book and his clone vanished. He looked over at Hinata, who was giggling manically. "Hey, Hina-chan, why don't we hang out at my place for a little bit? It's not like Shika-kun's in a hurry..."

Hinata winked and slapped his ass as the two ran off.

In the nearby bushes, Shikamaru and Sakura could barely contain themselves. Sakura zoomed in on the running couple leaving the crime scene, then panned over to her passed out sensei. He had a goofy expression on his face, and little hallucinatory nin dogs were running laps over his head. "Shika-kun, have I ever told you how much I appreciate you?"

Shikamaru snorted. "Hey, the magic here was all thanks to Naruto and Hinata...that poor girl is worse than Rock Lee when she is fershnickered." Shikamaru shook his head. "Well, looks like those two are going to be a while- let's see if Choji and Ino have finished their assignments...

The two conspirators made their way back to Shikamaru's house, but as they approached the office, strange words met their ears. Shikamaru gestured for Sakura to remain quiet, and suppressing a giggle Sakura hid behind a piece of furniture in the hallway and started video taping.

"Yo, Choji...far out." Ino was dancing to some sixties-era type music in a most amusing fashion.

"Hey, Ino-chan, open your mouth and close your eyes-"

Ino giggled girlishly. "No way, you're going to like totally stick your balls in my mouth!"

Snorting, Choji reassured her he was only going to feed her chips.

Ino grinned, "Dude, I'm totally staaaaaarving. Feed me! Feed me!" Ino started making retarded monster chomping sounds.

Choji laughed and fed her a chip. "Ummm, so good! I could eat this whole fucking bag in one sitting." Ino grabbed the bag and starting munching madly while Choji giggled, but a moment later she suddenly stopped and shouted, "Oh, shit, Choji, what are we supposed to be _doing_? I'm sure we had a really important something to doooo!"

"Oh...shit...I totally forgot. I think there was some hash in that joint or something..."

"Wait! Wait! Wasn't there...a plan? A piece of paper!"

"Oh, yeah! Shikamaru wrote it down for us!"

"Kami bless Shikamaru- he's sooooooooo smart. We would be so fucked without him." As she pondered this, Ino started twirling around the room until she fell over onto the floor from dizziness.

The two started giggling. Finally, Ino muttered, "I put it in a really...I put it in a good spot. I put it where I wouldn't forget it...but...oh shit, I totally forgot where I put it! Hahaha!" The two started looking everywhere for it- under the couch, on top of the ceiling fan- finally though, Ino bent over to look under the coffee table and Choji started laughing hysterically.

"Nani Choji-kuuuuuuun?" Ino pouted.

But Choji couldn't speak, he just pointed at Ino's cleavage and cried from laughter.

"What? Are my tits funny or something! You f'ing perv! Haha, how do you like _this_?" Ino picked up her shirt and flashed him. Choji, suppressing a nosebleed, just kept wordlessly pointing and laughing.

"Oh? Well _two_ can play at this game!" Ino unsnapped her bra-

Choji fell over with a nosebleed, still laughing uncontrollably-

and a piece of paper fluttered down onto the floor. "Oh shit, Choji-kun, I like totally found it!" Ino replaced her shirt, did a victory dance, and picked up the paper. "Hum...let's see...oh yeah! We had to make that mix. Duh. Damn, pot makes me so stupid, I don't know how Shika manages to smoke this crap and think intelligent thoughts...Choji? Choji-kun? CHOJI!" Seeing that Choji was unresponsive, as he was still comatose from Ino's indecent exposure, she took her cup of sake and dumped it on his face. "Yo, Choj-ster, we have a mission here! It's a mother fucking S class mission so wake yer ass up! MOTHER FUCKING S CLASS!"

Mumbling, Choji rubbed his head. "Ino-chan, you're crazy." He grabbed the piece of paper out of her hand, and after a moment started guffawing.

"Nani Choji-kuuuuun?" Ino moaned. But Choji kept laughing. Just as she was about to hit him over the head with an expensive looking vase, Choji held up his hand. "Oi, Ino-chan, I'll tell you what's so funny, but only if you flash me again?"

"Nani? Choji, you're such a perve!" She laughed spastically, but did flash the happy ninja again.

Barely managing to choke back a nosebleed, Choji smiled and cried, "Dude, we like totally already did that! We made the mix like an _hour_ ago! And we're _listening_ to it _right now!_"

"Aw, how was I supposed to remember that!"

The two commenced to roll around on the floor in hysterics.

Sakura turned off the camera and slipped it into her purse. _Maybe this kind of shit is only funny if you're high...mostly these two are freakin dumb._ "Yo, guys, did you get your shit done?" Sakura asked dryly, already knowing the answer to her question.

"Oh, h-hi!" Ino beamed, quickly snatching her bra off the floor and sticking it in her pocket.

Shikamaru snorted as he walked over to the computer. Ok, looks like you guys did your work well, Kami knows how. We'll be ready for phase B as soon as Hinata and Naruto get their asses over here. I'll make some...coffee...it will help you guys, maybe."

For some reason, Choji and Ino thought that was hilarious and collapsed in laughter again.

"Sheesh!" Sakura muttered. She sat on the couch and babysat the two dweebs as Shikamaru made coffee.

About two hours later, Naruto and Hinata finally showed up, brandishing Icha Icha. Sakura teased, "Wow, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you two were glowing!"

Shikamaru chortled, while Naruto and Hinata blushed bright crimson. Choji and Ino just stared and continued eating barbeque chips, not understanding the joke.

"Alright gang, it's onto phase B. We're going to be writing a fanfic-"

"Well du-uh Shika!" Ino chimed.

Shikamaru ignored her and continued, "And it's going to be a lemon."

* * *

Author's note: Da-da-da! What's that you say? How can I write a lemon in a story rated T and promised to contain no lemons? Whahaha, you'll have to just wait and see, it's going to be simply brilliant. And don't worry, it'll still be PG-13ish:) So how did you like this story? Please let me know- reviews are appreciated and serve as my inspiration to finish writing this section *hint hint*


	4. Chapter 4: Shadow Boxer Lemonaide

oh lordy lord I obviously had waaaaaaay to much fun writing this. A heartfilled thanks for all your wonderful reviews. As a reward, I stayed up till one in the morning finishing up the last of this lil fic.

BE WARNED! This approaches the boarder of insanity, as well as being a bit racy. I'm changing the rating of this story back to M because even though there aren't any actual lemons, this chapter is rather- er- suggestive, in a humorous way. You have been warned!

LOL, so let me know what you think kids! Love you all! XD

* * *

The Pen Mightier Than The Sword, Part 2.5: Shadow Boxer Lemonade

"Alright gang, it's onto phase B. We're going to be writing a fanfic-"

"Well du-uh Shika!" Ino chimed.

Shikamaru ignored her and continued, "And it's going to be a lemon."

Dead silence.

Then-

"NANI?" Sakura bellowed.

Hinata- who at this time was no longer drunk- tapped her fingers together nervously and blushed an even deeper shade of red, if that was even humanly possible.

"Dude, you serious?" Naruto asked incredulously.

"Dude, what's a lemon?" Ino asked blankly. Choji snickered and whispered in Ino's ear. "Oh, Shika, come on, that was your plan all along baka?" Ino wailed.

Shikamaru held up a hand for silence. "Believe me, I don't want to do this as much as any of you- but I've analyzed all 538 possible solutions, and this is really the best one to get our desired outcome."

"And what, pray tell, is _our_ desired outcome?" Sakura asked cynically.

"Out of all 538 solutions, 450 of them resulted in my gruesome murder, 50 resulted in a full out ninja war, 30 ended with Naruto becoming Hokage, 7 ended with Sasuke sleeping with all the Kunoichi in the village destining the rest of us male ninja to die virgins, and 1- only 1 solution led to the best possible outcome we could hope for."

"Hey Shika, what the hell is wrong with me becoming Hoka-"

Naruto's objection was quickly ended by Sakura's fist in his face. Sakura cleared her throat and asked sweetly, "And what, pray tell, is the best possible outcome?"

"The best possible outcome has only a 45% chance of my death, but war has a 0% chance of happening; also, Naruto doesn't become Hokage, Sasuke does not turn into an uber slut, peace reigns over both the Sand and the Leaf- and as an added bonus, I have a 55% chance of getting laid."

The five other ninja's all experienced their eyes bugging out of their heads in a most painful fashion. "Idiot, how are you getting laid? Explain this plan!" Ino yelled.

"You see Ino-chan, we will be writing a lemon about myself and Temari." Shikamaru explained patiently.

"Oh, I think I'm going to barf..." Naruto moaned.

"I don't think I know _how_ to write a lemon!" Sakura wailed.

"Shika, is this all just a plan so you can get laid?" Choji asked, thoughtful.

Shikamaru motioned for quiet again and went on, "Do you guys want to avoid war? My untimely death? Most importantly, Naruto, don't you want to defend the honor of ramen? Of course, if you're not all up to it, that's ok. I suppose we can continue to let the Sand nin believe we have no balls, that they are better than us..."

"Yosh! I will never forgive these ramen haters! And I never go back on my word- that's my ninja way! Count me in Shikamaru!" Naruto proclaimed.

Hinata chimed in quietly, "Well...I don't know about this...but Shika-kun is my friend, so I will help him to avoid his untimely death."

Shikamaru grinned. "Thanks, Hinata-chan." At which point she blushed a pale pink.

Sakura rolled her eyes, "Well, it does seem like an amusing waste of time. Eh, why not?"

Ino fisted the air- "Shika-kun, if you roll me another joint, I will help you avenge your honor...and er...help you get laid, because Kami knows it wouldn't happen otherwise." Shikamaru grimaced.

Choji thought a minute. "Well, I'm always down for helping you out Shikamaru. But a joint wouldn't hurt either..."

Shikamaru nodded. "Let's relax, order some take-out, drink some sake, take a smoke break...and then we'll get cracking!"

"YEAH!" The ninjas cheered.

* * *

Just as the gang were ordering pizza, a stunned ninja woke up on the other side of town. He rubbed his head. _What the heck just happened?_ Suffering from slight amnesia, Kakashi concluded that he must have passed out from reading too much smut. Laughing to himself, he reached for his Icha Icha-

but it was not in its usual spot in his front, right vest pocket. Kakashi's movements got more frantic as he took off his vest and turned every pocket inside out. Just as he was about to summon his ninja hounds, a small light bulb went off in his head.

"NARUUUUUUTOOOOOO!" He wailed into the night. Kakashi groaned and ran off towards Naruto's apartment. _I will find that jack-ass, and I will beat him within inches of his life..._

"Wait for me my precious Icha Icha, I'm coming to rescue you!"

* * *

5 extra large pizzas with extra cheese, peperoni, pineapple, mushrooms, and peppers; 5 cups of chicken flavored instant ramen, 2 gallons of sake, 2 joints, and 3 party sized bags of barbeque chips later, the team was ready to get down to business.

"Alright, time for step one- Sakura, you mentioned you didn't know how to write a lemon- and that's why we'll start by reading Icha Icha." Shikamaru intoned.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "That stuff Pervy Sage wrote is all haxed crap. I don't see how it's going to help us at all."

"First of all Naruto," Sakura replied curtly, "Lemons _are_ 'haxed crap.' Second, I'm not sure that's even how you use the word 'haxed', but whatevers."

Ino giggled. "We should take turns reading aloud! I'll go first!" Ino grabbed the book from Shikamaru with one hand, and with the other hand she took a drag of the joint. After she handed it to Choji and coughed a few times, she opened up to a random page. "Ahem. _And then Jeremy tenderly grabbed her_- hee hee... _and then stuck his_- oh my God, how many? Where? Oh for crying out loud!" Ino threw the book away from her.

"Ino-chan, that was unintelligible." Choji sighed evenly.

"I told you guys that book was trash!" Naruto spat, "My asshole could crap out a better story!"

"Guys, get over it. _I'll_ read, ok?" Sakura downed the rest of her cup of sake, then picked up the book. Standing in the middle of the room and gesturing theatrically, she began. "'_Oh, sweet Tsurinda, your breasts are as majestic as rolling mountains, your hips are as wide as the sea, and your lips taste sweeter than honey. Don't deny me your love!' Tsurinda blushed at this and replied, 'But my parents do not approve of you- and they are bound to be home at any moment!' Jeremy chuckled and grabbed __his blushing love. 'All the more reason to hurry then!' Tsurinda bit her bottom lip but didn't stop Jeremy from languidly tracing her neckline, and then his hands plunged_- oh shit! He did what to that nipple! Holy crap!" Sakura turned beet red.

"Not as easy as it looks, huh Sakura-chaaaaan?" Ino cat called.

Sakura just muttered, "Ok, I'm just going to scan ahead a little bit...ahem. _He brought Tsurinda into her parent's kitchen and laid her out on the table, whereupon he removed her underwear with his teeth and then_- whoa. Whoa. He did what! With her what now! On the kitchen table! For crying out loud, people _eat_ off that thing! I mean the table, not her girly bits! AAAAHHH!" Sakura's face resembled a tomato as she dropped the book from her nerveless hands. She sat down on the sofa and wordlessly gestured for Shikamaru to pass her the sake, which she gulped directly from the bottle.

Choji sighed. "I'll give it a try...maybe this kind of thing takes balls." Snickering, he sat down on the floor next to the book, picked it up, and flipped to a random page. "_After traveling for many days, Jeremy finally made it to a small town. His eyes scanned the shop signs, looking for a tavern, as he was quite weary from his journey. But his weariness was soon forgotten as his eyes skimmed a sign decorated with long legs clad in fishnets- the words, 'The Fisherwoman's Net', blinked in florescent lights. A whore house! He couldn't believe his luck. He was greeted at the door by a slut with giant bosoms, her thong showing at the top of her low riding mini-skirt ..._" Choji trailed off. "Ok, my stomach hurts. Naruto, you read this tripe."

Naruto snorted and caught the book Choji so indelicately threw in his direction. "Let's see...Pervy Sage made me read this bullshit on our missions, I'll try and find a section that isn't too disturbing. Oh, here's a good one! Ahem..._Jeremy, the brave ninja, looked up at the beautiful princess. Even though her hair was disheveled and her dress askew, Jeremy thought quietly that even if he had a millennia, his eyes would never have their fill drinking in her countenance. _

_The princess murmured softly, 'Dear ninja, thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you had not happened to be journeying through this forest at just the right time, I would have been murdered- or worse- by those thieves.' _

_'Oh fairest flower of this wood, I would rather end my own life than stand by idly while you were in peril! It is my honor, privilege and pleasure.' _

_The princess replied rather breathlessly, 'Forsooth, it would be rude of me not to reward your bravery! In my carriage, I have two huge chests of gold! Please take them!'_

_Jeremy licked his lips and replied, 'May lady, it is not chests of gold that I desire...'_

_The princess thought for a moment, then countered, 'I doth have then in my possession the deed to a pristine virgin forest- please take it as a token of my gratitude...'_

_Jeremy chuckled, 'Ummmm...forsooth, it is not a deed that I desire...'_

_The princess continued, 'Verily then, come and claim my lips for your own, for in my desire for you I can no longer think of foolish banter!'_

_The princess ran to him, her dark hair streaming out behind her, and Jeremy took her in his arms. They pressed up against each other-_

yada yada yada, then it turns back into porn. But I thought this part at least was kinda funny and it was written alright. Still, my asshole could fart a better story than-"

"Ok, ok Naruto, stop talking about your asshole." Shikamaru covered his eyes with his hands. "But how are we supposed to write a fucking lemon here when everyone is too chicken shit to read the damn book? Do you all really want to see me murdered in cold blood, do you?"

"Whatever dude, it's your funeral." Naruto tossed the book to Shikamaru.

"Wait. I'll. Read. The. Juicy. Bits." Hinata rose somewhat unsteadily and stumbled over to Shikamaru, clumsily grabbing the book out of his hands. "Y'all...are a bunch...of fucking... pussies. Ok. Here're goes. Ahem. _Jeremy returned home to his native village to find Tsurina waiting for him by the gates. Wordlessly, she took his hands and led him into the woods before he could even enter the town limits. But upon seeing the hungry look in her eyes, he dropped his baggage by the nearest tree and took his sweet love in his_ – hic- oh now where was I? Oh fuck, it's a little blurry. Ok. Ok. _He took her in his arms and passionately kissed her on her round mouth. 'Fuck me, right here, right now!' Tsurina wailed. She felt all tingly in her private bits_. Ha ha ha. Ok. _He bit her all along her neck and slowly made his way down her neck line where he-"_

"Oh holy crap! He did what! Oh shit!" Ino wailed.

"_'Oh Jeremy, you are such a sexy bastard, harder'- and then he-"_

"No! No he didn't!" Sakura covered her ears.

"Can you bunch of pussies shut up? You're missing all the good parts!" Hinata fumed, her angry drunk face flushing red. "K. Let's see, where was I...oh yeah, _Then Jeremy took his fingers and-"_

"God this fucking sucks." Naruto moaned.

"_Tsurina moaned, 'You are such a stud. Don't make me wait any longer!' So Jeremy took out his giant, amazing, and juicy-"_

"Oh God, I think I'm going to barf. Oh dear lord..." Choji groaned, clutching his stomach.

"You know what Choji! Ino! Sakura!" Hinata had her scarey drunk face on again, and the fear which it induced did not help Choji's indigestion. "I think you guys are a bunch of- oh!" Hinata yelped, as she fell on the floor. "Who moved that floor! Was it you, Naruto! Damn you floor! Eight Trigrams, Sixty Four Palms!" Hinata started going ape-shit on the floor with her gentle fist style smack down until Shikamaru restrained her with his shadow jutsu.

"Ok, it's settled. Hinata will be in charge of writing the smutty bits." Shikamaru said calmly.

"Let me go Shikamaru! This floor is asking for it!" Hinata wailed.

"I think my poor virgin ears have just been violated!" Sakura moaned.

"My poor virgin mind has been sullied!" Ino agreed.

Hinata, who was still glowering from being held by that damn shadow jutsu, looked at them quizzically. "You guys are _fucking_ virgins?" Hinata's rage at the floor was quickly forgotten as she began to laugh hysterically, the way only a really drunk person can.

"Dude. Naruto? You...?" Sakura asked incredulously.

"Heh, heh." Naruto scratched his head sheepishly. "It's hard to say no to Hinata...especially when she's had a bit to drink..."

"Ok, now for part two of the plan!" Shikamaru cut in, not wanting to learn more about Naruto's sex life. "Time we come up with a plot for our lil' story. Smut by itself does not equal plot. There are a few, oh, let's call them elements that need to be in the story for the plan to work. One, Temari has to have me at knife point."

"LOL, while you're boffing her?" Hinata chortled, still in the middle of a private laugh fest on the floor.

"I hadn't thought of that Hinata...that could work, actually. Ok, the second element is that we're enemy ninja-"

"Ooooooh Shika-kun, that's hot- like Romeo and Juliet style. She'll fall for that fer sure!" Ino whistled.

"Last of all, third element is...mmm...well I guess the smut. Ok, so really just two elements. But the knife-point thing happens after a battle between us. Ino-chan, I'm giving you the pen and paper, you are the mistress of committing our words to the page."

Ino received the writing implements gleefully- she loved to be in charge, after all- but she asked, "I still have one thing I need clarified, why did Choji and I make that mix?"

"Simple- it's to help us think. Also, we'll include a link to the playlist in the intro to the story. It's got songs on there that will win Temari over for sure." Shikamaru went over to the stereo and popped the cd in, pressing play. David Bowie roared on the speakers.

"But Shika- explain some of them for me- like the India Arie song? Isn't that kind of girly to put on a mix?" Ino questioned, confused.

"Every single song has a purpose- "I am a Queen" tells her that I appreciate her for who she is." Shikamaru said succinctly.

"Ok, ok, but what about 'Squeeze my Lemon'?" Sakura asked with a smirk.

Shikamaru waved his hand. "'Nough said. Seriously people, it's not that hard. So...plot..."

"Why don't we set it during the Chunin exams- we were fighting those kids for real then..." Naruto piped up.

"Nah, let's not bring up bad feelings. It needs to be slightly stranger than fiction, but not too close to reality...you dig?" Choji remarked, exhaling smoke.

"Alright, alright, let me start!" Sakura squealed, her eyes bright with an idea. "It was during the third ninja war, and the fighting between the Sand and the Leaf was reaching a fevered pitch. Both sides had been fighting for days without cease, and many bodies lay on the ground gruesomely mangled. It was then that Shikamaru, genius of the Konoha village, and head of the ANBU black ops, was sent in to do a solo assassination mission. The Hokage had warned him, 'You are the only one who can pull off this mission. If you succeed, we survive, but if you fail, we are all doomed to die at the hand of the evil Sand ninja, those fucking ramen haters.' The Hokage's words rang in his ears as he flitted, like a shadow, on the outskirts of the Sand encampment."

Naruto chimed in, "Shikamaru stealthily made his way to the Kazekage's tent, as he had received special intelligence that the Kazekage was taking his rest at that hour. But just as soon as he had come to Gaara's tent, he felt a presence. 'Shit! I've been found!' He thought to himself as he made a mad dash for the trees. But the presence behind him was as swift as the wind and was gaining on him."

"Hey Naruto, that was pretty good!" Hinata gave him a thumbs up.

"Ah, Arigato Hinata-chan!"

"Oh quit your flirting. My turn!" Choji proclaimed. "Finally, the Nara turned around. Before him, a dark hooded figure welded a fan in a most menacing fashion. Shikamaru's mind whirled with possible ways out of this situation- although there was a full moon that night, giving off enough light to cast shadows, the two enemies were currently under a dense canopy of trees. Our hero casually took out his lighter and lit a cigarette. 'Any chance we can bargain?' The Nara asked, trying to buy time.

The dark figure threw back her hood, and with a wave of her fan blew out his cigarette. 'I know all about you, dirty Leaf scum. Who do you think leaked that false intelligence to you? As if I would ever let you get to my precious, somewhat gothy and angsty, little brother. Now, you meet your end.' Shikamaru gasped as she stepped forward- not at her words, but at a errant moonbeam that lit her pale face. She was beautiful. This was going to be troublesome."

Ino yelled, her sense of hearing blunted by alcohol, "Niiiiiiiice Choji-kun! Good set up! Now we need a good battle scene. Why don't you have a go Shika-kun, you know how _you_ fight after all!"

Shikamaru nodded, his fingertips touching in his trademark Shogi-move-no-jutsu seal. "The brave leaf ninja thought, 'I have to either lure this gal out into the moonlight or make my own light.' Quickly, he threw a barrage of kunai at the kunoichi- and while she was busy blowing them all away, Shikamaru ducked and rolled into a grove of pine trees. 'Come back here, Leaf coward!' She bellowed, but Shikamaru paid her no mind- he quickly lit his cigarette, and held the smoldering tobacco up to a dried pine branch. 'Idiot, I'll just blow your little fire out!' She drew back her fan, but before she could cast in in his direction, his shadow possession jutsu was already activated and held her captive. He began running to an open field, forcing the cursing Temari to follow suit. They made it to the moon drenched glade just before the pine torch sputtered out.

'Kuso..." Temari spat. 'Well, now that you've got me, what are you going to do? I know how your little jutsu works. So go ahead, strangle me. I embrace my death, like a true shinobi.'

Shikamaru looked at her askance..."

Shikamaru in real-time scratched his head. "Dialogue? Anyone?"

Sakura raised her hand and continued, "Shikamaru looked at her askance and parsed, 'You know, I usually don't go around in the middle of the night killing beautiful women...' He reached up and removed his ANBU mask- a cat's face decorated with dark clouds- so she could see the sincerity in his face.

Temari chortled, 'Then you are a fool, because I certainly will kill you the minute this jutsu fades, no matter how good looking you may be!' At this last unintentional bit, she blushed.

Her captor countered, 'Killing you would be troublesome. I'd have the guilt of killing a woman, whose beauty rivaled a goddess, following me around all my life. And plus, once your brothers find out you're dead, this damned war will never end- it will just be revenge, eye-for-an-eye, all that troublesome nonsense, until all of us are dead, and for what?'

'For what?' Temari snorted, 'Obviously, because in a minute or so, your jutsu is going to run out and then I'll kill you instead! Baka!'

Shikamaru sighed, and took one step closer to this prisoner, as she in turn also took a step nearer to him, until there were a breath away from each other and were looking directly into each other's eyes. Temari could feel goosebumps forming all over her body, but whether it was from fear at her own impending death, or from the proximity of her captor, she was not sure. Seeing her eyes widening in fear, Shikamaru whispered, 'I'd rather just let you go. Killing you was not a part of my mission.'

'You have no choice!' Temari spat. 'Do it and stop jerking me around! We're enemy ninja!'

Shikamaru shook his head. 'Looks like my chakra's almost out anyway, it's now or never. Promise me on your word that if I let you go, you in turn will let me go, and we can both live.'

'NEVER! I'd rather DIE!' Temari spat violently.

'Stubborn woman. I believe if we had met under different circumstances...ah, well. I'll make your death as easy and painless as possible out of respect for you.'

'Arigato.' She looked fearlessly into his eyes."

"Oh _shit_ Sakura, that is some hot stuff there!" Ino sighed. "Let me spin it now. Shikamaru made the hand signs for the strangulation jutsu, and a menacing shadow crept up Temari's curvacious body to her neck. If shadows could tremble, it could be said that the shadow shuddered on her shoulders before closing in on the victim's neck. Temari didn't make a sound, her brilliant blue eyes defying him wordlessly. But he had scarcely begun choking her than his shadow shrank back. Temari gasped through her constricted throat, 'So, finally ran out of chakra?' Coughing, she made her body ready to fight when the jutsu finally faded completely.

His frank eyes met hers. 'No.' He said simply.

'Nani?' She coughed a few more times before demanding, 'What the fuck do you mean?'

'I mean,' he replied plainly, 'that I was not out of chakra. I chose not to kill you- or rather, I could not.'

'Then that-' she cleared her throat, 'will be the last mistake you ever make!' Finally, she had control again over her limbs! She grabbed a kunai from her pouch, tackled her assailant to the ground, and held the knife to his throat."

"Whew! That was some hot shit!" Ino grinned and pointed her thumbs up at herself. "And now I have some mean munchies! Yo, let's take a break and get some food!"

"Right on girl!" Replied Choji, licking his lips.

"Come on you stoned out fucks, we just got to the _good_ part!" Naruto wailed.

"But I really _really_ need 3 ripe mangos, a bag of pretzels, a jar of white wine mustard...and a block of cheddar cheese!" Ino whined.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "What kind of ingredient list is that? You're going to give yourself a stomach ache..."

Choji waved his hand, "Man, that sounds great! Ino, you are a munchie genius, you know that?"

Sakura shook her head, "With your current attention span, if you go out to get munchies, you are never going to return."

Shikamaru nodded. "Oi, I have an idea. Naruto, can you make a shadow clone to run to the convenience store? Here's some green." Shikamaru handed him some cash as the shadow clone was summoned into being. "Be back in a flash!" The clone smiled, as it raced out the door.

"Alright people, there's a knife at my throat. Dialogue?"

Sakura held up her hand again and continued, "Shikamaru did not resist his enemy at all. Temari snorted, 'Any last words, dumb ass?' He was silent for a moment, taking in his current hopeless situation, and then looked Temari in the eye. 'If I must die here, I'm glad it was by your hand. But you know, I have a plan where you don't have to kill me...'

Temari shook her head. 'You were trying to kill my brother. If I let you go now, you'll just be back to murder him tomorrow.' She gritted her teeth and placed the sharp blade closer to his neck, drawing a thin line of blood. But Shikamaru felt her trembling and replied, 'I know a cave twenty feet east of here. You could tie me up and leave me there until the war is over. Then you wouldn't be betraying your country.'

'No! How do I know this isn't some kind of trap?' But her hands began to shake harder. Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. 'If I was trying to kill you, you'd be dead already.' Temari mulled over his words and slowly withdrew her knife. 'Don't-move...' She hissed between her teeth as she bound his hands together, then jerked him after her to the aforementioned cave."

"That's great Sakura-chan! Everyone knows the really smutty bits begin when the main characters find themselves in a cave, or some crap like that!" Naruto snorted.

Hinata winked at him and downed another cup of sake. "Oi, my turn my pretties. Heehee. Ok, once they reached the cave, Temari bound his legs to a heavy log, and then bound his hands to the log as well. 'I'm sorry you can't be more comfortable, but I can't risk you getting loose. Tomorrow, my brothers and I will crush the Leaf, and I will return here to take you prisoner.'

Shikamaru arched an eyebrow. 'You can't take me prisoner now?'

Temari blushed and sat down on the log next to him. 'No. For I was ordered to kill you this night. If I collect you later, I can say you escaped me this night...I'll come for you when I'm ordered to take prisoners, not people's heads.'

'Ah.' Shikamaru said plainly.

'I should be going now...' Temari whispered, and motioned to go, but was stopped by a low voice-

'Wait.' Shikamaru said softly.

'What...?' Temari asked tentatively."

Hinata giggled and grabbed the sake, and after she had gulped down a fair amount directly from the bottle, continued, "And now the good part. The Nara breathed, 'Kiss me before you go, desert flower.'

Temari shook her head. 'We're enemies...remember?'

Shikamaru retorted, 'Don't care. Before you leave me tied up here for the next how-ever-how-long, leave me with something to remember you by. Because there is no guarantee I'll be able to survive long, bound as I am.'

Temari started to protest, but then nervously licked her lips and sunk down to her knees next to the Nara. She slooooowly moved her head towards him, and looked into his calm brown eyes. She could feel his breath caressing her cheek, and a tiny tear trickled down from her eyes and splashed down on his chin. 'I-' Temari began, but Shikamaru arched his body up and caught her lips in his. Her lips parted in surprise, and he took this opening to gently search her quivering mouth with his tongue."

Hinata-chan laughed as her friends showered her with applause- everyone except Shikamaru, who was quietly blushing on the couch. "Oh, honey, I've just _begun!"_ Hinata giggled evilly. "Ahem. Where was I? Oh yes. The kiss was intensely passionate, and Temari realized that she had forgotten to breathe. Panting heavily, she peeled herself away. 'I- I really should get going...' Temari breathed. But before she could get up Shikamaru immobilized her with his gaze. 'If you untie me Lady Temari, I'd make it worth your while...'

Temari reeled. 'No, I can't! That's impossible!'

Shikamaru grinned, 'Just untie me from this log, but leave the rest of me bound...'

'Why?' Temari asked, trembling slightly.

'Because I only need my lips and tongue for this...' He whispered."

"Oh sweet Kami, _what_ are you going to _do_ to Temari Shika-kun!" Ino Squealed. Shikamaru just shook his head and took a swig from the sake bottle. "Hinata-chan, would you be so kind as to continue?" Shikamaru intoned.

Smiling sweetly, Hinata cleared her throat. "With shaking hands, the kunoichi released him from his weight, whereupon he rose to his knees to kiss her on her coral lips again. Temari felt a jolt of electricity run through her body as she melted into his embrace. His lips traced the contours of her cheek, then his teeth gently nibbled her earlobe. She moaned against him, and he breathed gently on the side of her face, sending shivers down her spine. Then he sent his mouth to roam down her neckline to her bountiful-"

"Whew! Is it hot in here or is it just me?" Ino giggled. Ino continued to write down the story as fast as she could, while she slooooooowly inched closer to a blushing Choji on the couch next to her.

"Temari wondered if undressing an enemy ninja with one's teeth was a required technique one mastered at Konoha academy, but that and any thought was banished as she felt Shikamaru's teeth pulled up her skirt to reveal-"

Choji, who had been munching chips, started choking.

"And then Shikamaru circled his tongue around her-"

Naruto, at this point, took an empty bag of chips and popped it.

Hinata ignored him and continued, "Temari gasped and pulled the ninja's face toward her own. Looking deeply into his eyes, she murmured, 'We shouldn't be doing this...'

Shikamaru countered, 'Untie me.' Nodding wordlessly, she untied the Nara's hands. He whispered in her ear, 'Do you want me...to use...that jutsu on you...for fun? I swear, on my life, I won't hurt you.' Temari turned to meet his gaze. 'Yes. I trust you. Take me.'

Shikamaru placed Temari under his shadow possession Jutsu and kissed her lovingly on her full mouth. He shrugged his pants down, revealing-"

Sakura started coughing, as if _she_ were the one choking on potato chips this time, and muttered, "Gosh Shikamaru, didn't know you were that large and in charge!"

"Then he slid himself inside-"

Shikamaru started giggling like a school girl at this.

"The passion between them was like nothing Temari had ever felt before. It was at this moment that she thanked Kami that one, she was alive, and two, she had not murdered her lover just an hour before. But her brain had no more time for thoughts, as waves of pure pleasure rolled through her body as Shikamaru pressed his hard-"

"Oi, Ino, why are you grabbing my ass?" Choji asked indignantly.

"Oh, my bad Choji...I just got excited I guess..." Ino replied sheepishly, as she frenetically captured Hinata's words with her pen clasped in her free hand.

"Then Shikamaru released his jutsu and Temari flung her arms around him, and kissing him wildly she rolled their enmeshed bodies over until she was on top. Then suddenly, they were both shouting in unison as they-"

Just then, Naruto's clone barged in. "Food's here!" He cried, putting the goods on the table and disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

"And Temari collapsed on top of him. 'Damn, that was hot' she breathed.'

Whew, I'm done with my smutty goodness now kids, pass me some mango!" Hinata finished in real time, grabbing greedily for the goods.

"Damn Hinata-chan, that was hot. Hey Hinata, can I have a word with you in the other room for a minute?" Naruto asked hotly.

Sakura hit him over the head. "You can boff your girlfriend again for the 90 millionth time today _after_ we finish this story. Besides, I'm not hungry and I have a brilliant way to finish this yarn. Ahem. 'Shikamaru whispered in her ear, 'I have another brilliant idea. How about you and me end this fucking pointless war?' Temari grinned and held him closer. 'Hmmm. In a minute.'

Ok, insert a line break here Ino. Got it? Ok, the next day the Kazekage Gaara and the Hokage Naruto-"

"Whoo-hoo, I'm the Hokage! Sweet!" Naruto cheered.

"Enjoy it in your fanfic 'cause it aint never going to happen in real life!" Ino sung sweetly.

"Hey-" Naruto began, but was cut off by Sakura.

"Just let me finish dweebs! Sheesh. Ok, the Kages met and shook on the deal, ending the war right then and there. The Hokage noticed that Gaara had been severely wounded during the war, and offered in a conciliatory gesture to have his top medic, Sakura, accompany him home. In that fashion, both Shikamaru and Sakura traveled with the sand ninja to their village. It was during that 3 day trek that Shikamaru and Temari officially started dating, to help cement the friendship between the Leaf and the Sand. As well, Gaara and Sakura started a hot and steamy romance, but this would be the subject of another story. And they all lived happily ever after, the end, pass me some mango bitches!" Sakura laughed.

"Whoa, you and Gaara-kun, huh? What about Sasuke?" Ino asked, careful to school emotion out of her face.

"You know what, all this talk about Sand ninja, exotic and sexy and stuff...yeah, I think I'm into it. Screw Sasuke- ahem, or rather _not_, I'm so not his fan girl anymore."

Ino nodded and put her arm around Choji. "Yep. I know what you mean. About giving up on being a fan girl, when there's other men who are so much nicer and better at kissing. Yep."

Sakura raised an eyebrow and just stared at Choji and Ino.

Hinata snorted. "Get a room you two. It's like that hot girl from Scooby-doo ditching the jock and dating Shaggy. Haha, far out maaaaaan!"

Shikamaru sighed. "Well, I think we just wrote a pretty good fic..." Ten minutes later, as everyone else demolished the munchie food, Shikamaru typed up the story. "Well gang, here goes nothing..." Shikamaru muttered, as he pressed "publish."

"Aw, don't worry Shika, you're going to get laid fo' sure. And you have all you lovely friends to thank- _especially_ Hinata-chan."

Hinata winked and took a huge gulp of the sake. "Well'sm, you know a what they say. A friend that'sa in a need is a friend in deediliee!"

The room erupted into drunken laughter but then-

The door was thrown open and a scandalized Kakashi sensei and a pack of nin hounds stood at the door.

"NARUTOOOOOOO! HINATAAAAAAA!" He bellowed. Hinata stood up and lifted up her shirt, flashing Kakashi, who passed out with a nosebleed.

Pakkun just shook his head. "Alright kids, I can smell the alcohol all the way over here-"

"Don't worry Pakkun-kun, we'll bring Kakashi-sensei home! You can count on us!" Sakura picked up the little dog and nuzzled him. "Such a cutie wittle puppy I could just eat you up!"

Thrown by the drunken attention, Pakkun yelped, "Whatever. Let's get out of here gang!", and a moment later the nin dogs all disappeared.

* * *

The next day, Kakashi Sensei woke up in his own bed. _Was it...was it all a bad dream?_ He was still dressed in his ninja clothes- he reached up into this sacred vest pocket, and there, there was Icha Icha. He sighed in relief and took out his book, but as he opened it up a packet of stapled papers fell out.

"Nanda?" Kakashi said aloud and started reading, "Dear Kakashi Sensei, sorry about last night, hope this makes up for it! Enjoy this story written by the true disciple of Jiraiya-Pervy-Sage in every way! Also, I had some help from my friends... with love, Naruto and company."

Kakashi flipped over to the next page and began reading the story. In a moment, he was crying tears of joy.

"Oooooh Naruto, this is every bit as good as Jiraiya-san! Bless you! Bless you!"

* * *

Three nights later, Shikamaru lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling as he listened to the infamous mix. Currently, the song being played was the first track on "Kind of Blue" by Miles Davis, and as the melody swelled Shikamaru idly wondered if today was going to be the day he was either murdered in cold blood or lost his virginity. He was home alone, so the only sounds in the house were the stereo and the pitter patter of rain drops hitting the roof.

Suddenly, Shikamaru felt cold steel on this throat, but he wasn't startled, as he had already activated his shadow possession jutsu the moment the intruder had placed her blade.

"You know," Shikamaru intoned dryly, "I usually don't go around in the middle of the night killing beautiful women."

Temari, who was straddling him as she held her kunai, chortled. "Any last words, dumb ass?" She breathed the words, making him shudder.

With his shadow possession jutsu activated, he stretched his right arm to the side, forcing Temari to do the same and thereby removing the cold knife from his neck, and then raised his lips to meet hers. After a moment, he released the jutsu, and the kunai clanged to the floor. Temari grabbed his wrists and bound them, grinning. Taking the hint, Shikamaru began by kissing her mouth then her ear, then tracing her neckline with his lips...

While the two were passionately doin-their-thing, they didn't notice Sakura and Gaara on the roof of the house next door, giggling conspiratorially. Sakura had a shit-eating-grin plastered to her face as she held the camcorder steady, and Gaara also smiled wildly as one of his hands rested on his companions firm ass.

* * *

Well that was a fun ride friends! This story is over (at least for now) but feel free to check out my other ongoing ridiculousness about the goings and comings ha ha of Sasuke, called, "Sasuke's New Hobbies, Kami Help Us!"

Thanks for coming along for this trip- hope you liked it, don't forget to let me know via your kind review!


	5. Chapter 5: Sas gay kun

Omg, omg, I never thought I'd get back to this story. And then, a fortunate confluence of events- I was sick all day and didn't feel like working on my art show at all. I thought if I got drunk, I'd be in the mood to paint...but instead, I thought of the next segment for this fic. Lol. So this is what happens when a sore throat, a lazy work ethic, and a few beers get together and conspire to get me to write fic.

Thanks so much everyone for loving this story, for your reviews, pm's, yada yada! *blushes* Well, this is a little smutty, but I hope you like it anyway!

* * *

Chapter 5

Sas-gay-kun

It was a bright sunny day in Konoha, but a dark cloud hung over Sasuke's head. As he walked the main street, he glowered menacingly at small children, whose tiny smiles turned to fearful frowns at his cold glare. _Fuck this fucking day...fuck fuck fuck._

It had been over a week since Shikamaru and company had written that fateful fanfic, and now Sasuke realized that he had a severe lack of fan girl attention. Worst of all, 99% of his friends were getting laid and he remained a virgin. It was decidedly uncool. Hands stuffed into his jean pockets, he made his way to team seven's habitual meeting place.

"Oi! Emo-duck-butt!"

"'Sup, dobe." Sasuke rolled his eyes and slouched against the bridge, trying desperately to ignore Naruto's after-sex-glow. _God damn loser is getting laid and I don't even have one single fan girl. My life sucks._

After a minute of doom and gloom thoughts, Sasuke ventured, "So, where is Sakura? I had an extra ticket to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs in concert and I was going to ask her if she wanted to go..."

Naruto was balancing his weight on one of the beam supports in a facsimile of tight-rope walking. "Haven't you heard? Gaara requested her for a mission over in Suna...but fuck yeah, _I'd_ be down to see the show with you if you need company!"

Sasuke merely slouched down more and shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. In the past, he could always count on Sakura and her fan girl ways. But no more. Her and Gaara were officially a "thing". Sasuke was the last fucking- ahem, non-fucking- virgin left on team seven. So, so, so uncool. He thought he could bribe her into pity sex by taking her to a concert, but it was not to be.

"Sasuke, you ok?"

"Peachy."

"Then why are you grinding your teeth?"

Thankfully, Sasuke didn't have to answer, because at that moment their severely late Sensei popped in. "Hello guys, sorry I'm late, I seem to have gotten lost on the road of life."

Collective groaning ensued; Kakashi ignored them and continued, "So, since Sakura's away, we'll be focusing on our training till she gets back. Ok?"

"Hn."

"Alright! Me and the dobe get to train!"

"I'm going to kick your ass, teme."

"You wish, dobe!"

As they made their way to the training grounds, Sasuke noticed several younger kunoichi trailing them. _Thank kami, fan girls! I haven't lost my touch! YOSH!_

The girls approached them shyly, but a bolder one came forward with a pen and a notebook- "Oi, Naruto-kun, can I have your autograph?"

Naruto grinned widely- "Dattebayo, of course you can have my autograph!"

"Naruto-kun! Me too! I want an autograph too!"

"Naruto-sama is so cooooooooool!"

One of the girls actually swooned.

Sasuke ground his teeth. Today was not going to be a good day.

* * *

Ring! Ring!

Silence for a few minutes- then a pupiless Hyuga answered the door. "The fuck you want, Uchiha?"

"Nice to see you too Neji. Is Hinata around?"

"What the fuck do you want with Hinata?"

"Classified."

"Classified?"

"Hn."

Neji rolled his eyes, "Come in. Her room is this way." They made their way through the ornate hallways of the Hyuga mansion until they came to a bedroom door on the second floor. Neji knocked and called drolly, "Yo! Hinata-chan! Visitor!"

A girly squeal came pealing out from inside the room, and a perky Hinata answered the door. As soon as she saw Sasuke, her face fell. "Oh, I thought you were Naruto. What do you want?"

"I have a proposition for you."

Neji blanched- "You've come to proposition my cousin!"

Hinata rolled her eyes, "Sorry loser, I have a boyfriend..."

Just as Neji was about to gentle fist his ass out of existence, Sasuke sighed and raised his hands in defense- "No, nononono, I came to ask you for help. Seriously. You're the only one who can help me."

Hinata raised an eyebrow. "Why should I help you?"

"I'll make it worth your while. I promise." Hinata crossed her arms at this and considered. Finally she nodded and allowed the emo-faced bastard inside. Neji made to follow, but Hinata held up her hand and stated, "I'm sure I'll be fine Neji-nii-san. If you're worried, you can use your byakugan to check on me. I have a feeling this is going to be lucrative."

Neji sighed but wasn't in the mood for arguing. "Ok, but I _will_ be checking up on you, Uchiha-_san_, so no funny business or I'll be gentle fisting you where the sun don't shine."

Hinata rolled her eyes- "Quit hitting on my guest and get lost." She oh-so-politely closed the door in her cousin's face and unceremoniously plopped herself down on her bed. "So, what do you want Sasuke-chaaaaaaaan? I don't think you've said more than two words to me in your whole life, so why start torturing me now?" Hinata rolled onto her stomach and kicked her legs in the air behind her lazily; Sasuke sat down in a wooden chair and cleared his throat.

"It's because, you're the only one who can help me."

"You've mentioned that. How so?"

"Because you've never been my fan girl. I have reason to believe you are an objective party. Also, I've heard you are the most talented of the rookie nine in writing smut."

"Flattery will get you everywhere." Hinata fluttered her eyes at him and purred, "Soooooo. What do you want me to do?"

"I need you to help me write a fanfic so I can replenish my fan girl base and get laid."

Hinata grinned a wide, Cheshire-cat-like grin. "Ah. You're too cool to be the last in your class to be a virgin. I dig it. So, who's tail are you chasing?"

Sasuke sighed; when did his stuttering, shy classmate become a raunchy, rude porn writer? Oh yeah, since she discovered drinking and lost her virginity to Naruto. He blushed slightly before continuing, "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

_Idiot_, Hinata thought.

"Gah. I mean, I just need to get laid. The person isn't important!"

_Bitch_, Sasuke thought, imagining himself doing a mental eye-roll.

As if echoing his thoughts, Hinata rolled her eyes. "Listen, it would be a lot easier if we had a target."

_Man whore, _Hinata contemplated ruefully.

"I told you-"  
"Listen Uchiha, I'm a professional. You want my help or not?" Sasuke grimaced and nodded politely, and Hinata continued, "So. Let's see who is still available...Ino is with Choji, Tenten is dating my cousin..._I'm_ sure as shit not hooking up with you...Temari is banging Shikamaru in a kinky fashion...that leaves Sakura, but I think she just started dating Gaara. Shit, I think that's all of the girls in our age group. You're either going to have to break the law by going younger, find a cougar to shtup...ooooooorrr, find a guy."

Sasuke hiccuped. "I'm not gay and I'm not into statutory, so cougar it is."

"Alright then. Anko?"

"_Hells_ no!"

"Shizune?"

"Blech."

"Um...Inuzuka Hana?"

"Nope."

"Um...um...what about Yūgao Uzuki? She's totally hot, and an ANBU captain to boot."

"Too old."

"Come on, she has a really nice rack!"

"Nope."

Hinata hid her face in her hands. "You know, there just aren't that many kunoichi. Can't we go for a civilian?"

"No. Kunoichi only."

"Well listen retard, I just listed all the available ladies- wait, unless you want to win back Sakura from Gaara!" Hinata squealed and tapped her fingers together in excitement.

"Meh. If we have to." Sasuke did not relish the idea of fucking Gaara's leftovers, but any play was better than none.

Hinata eyed him suspiciously. "Hmm...you know what, I have an excellent psychological litmus test that will help us determine the best possible tail for you to chase. But before I do, payment."

"Sake?"

"How much?"

"2 cases."

"20."

"10."

"Deal." Hinata smiled coyly, then grabbed a stack of papers from under her mattress. "Now, I'm going to show you a series of pictures and then analyze your response to each with my Byakugan. It will help us to determine who your ideal person is. Ready?"

"Hinata, this sounds totally asinine."

Hinata stalked over to Sasuke and whapped him upside the head. "Shut up Uchiha. I fucking own you right now. Either you want my help and trust me to do the _professional_ thing here, or you shut up and leave. Now sit down, shut yer pie hole, and look at the perty pictures!"

Sasuke sighed. "Ok. Gomen." He looked at Hinata apprehensively, who got out an easel to display the photographs, a yellow legal pad, a pen, and a stop watch.

"Alrighty then. Just look at each picture for 30 seconds. That's all. I think you can handle that, ha. Ok, go!"

The first picture was of a scantily clad stripper with pink hair, doing something deliciously naughty to a pole. Sasuke didn't flinch. Hinata, with byakugan activated, raised an eyebrow and made some notes on her pad of paper. Then her watch beeped, and she switched out the photo for a topless blonde girl, the only thing covering her nipples was a sheen layer of fabric.

"Hinata? Why do you have these pictures?"  
"Did I say you could talk? Just zip it and look. That's your job." Hinata sighed, and the watch beeped again. She displayed a picture of a hot, sweaty, _male_ body builder wearing a European-style speedo. Sasuke carefully schooled his features. Hinata's eyebrows both raised up, and she quickly jotted down something in her notes. Stifling a smile, Hinata displayed another hunky male, his backside rippling with muscles, a firm, naked ass sitting on a bar stool.

Keeping all inflection out of his voice, Sasuke stated in his customary monotone, "What's with all the naked dudes?"

Hinata barely managed to suppress her giggle- "It's the control group. Now SHUT UP and look at the naughty pictures. Wink."

The next picture was a blonde girl with a long pony tail scrunching up her cleavage with her crossed arms, leaning over towards the viewer seductively. Sasuke was starting to get bored. The watch beeped its irritating beep, and Hinata displayed the next picture, a scantily clad girl with all-white pupils dressed up as a cowgirl with fishnets. Beep. Brunette in a nurses' outfit licking a lollypop suggestively. Beep. Shirtless, sweaty man in overalls. _Yum._

_Oh shit..._

"Ok Sasuke-kuuuuuuun, let me just score your results!" Hinata hummed to herself while Sasuke blushed profusely. _Shit shit shit shit. S.H.I.T._

Sasuke twiddled his thumbs, and jumped as someone began knocking on the door waaaay too loudly for his sensitive hearing.

"Come iiiiiiiiin!" Hinata called in a sing-song voice.

"Oi, what's up Hinata-chan- Sasuke? What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Oh Naruto, don't be rude. I'm just running a psychological test on Sasuke, that's all."

Naruto giggled at that. "Well isn't that nice." He walked up behind his girlfriend who was tallying up Sasuke's score on her bed, and ensconced her in a hug. "So, how'd the teme do?"

"He got a perfect score- hahaha!" Hinata started laughing hysterically, so Naruto looked over her shoulder for an answer.

"Oh shit, no way!" Naruto held his sides as he began to laugh really, really hard.

"What the fuck is so funny?" Sasuke was beginning to get a bit irate.

"Sasuke-chaaaaaan, I've tallied the results of the test. You are so totally gay."

"That's preposterous. I'm as heterosexual as they come."

Naruto chimed in, "Hey, no worries Sasuke. I got a 50% on the test. I mean, of course you did better than me, so you should feel great! Har har." Naruto grinned.

Sasuke scratched his chin- "Wait a minute, does that mean you're, like, 50% gay?"

Hinata rolled her eyes, "Idiot. The technical term is bisexual."

Sasuke's eyes got wide. "That doesn't bother you?"  
"Ha. Like any other self-respecting fan girl, I treasure yaoi boys and their forbidden love. Yum. Well Sasuke, looks like we should find you a guy-"

"No! No way. Your test must be wrong."

Hinata sighed dramatically. "Then I'll have to run another test. And this one is full-proof. But it will cost ya."

Sasuke, at this point desperate to prove his het status, muttered, "Fine. What do you want?"

"Tickets. Cough'm up."

"Tickets? What ever do you mean?" Sasuke asked innocently.

"Oh come on. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Everyone knows you have tickets, I fucking want to see them. Give me the goods."

Shit. Those tickets had come at a high price- he had spent half his wages from this month on them, and was using them as his "ticket", ha ha, to getting laid. But of course, if the village found out he was _gay_ from the local quack psychologist, he would never get laid in this town again unless he was takin it up the poop shoot. He shuddered at that, and thus retrieved said tickets from his back pocket and flung them at his oppressor.

"Very good," Dr. Hyuga called, and then whispered something in Naruto's ear.

"Aw, come on Hinata-chan, I can't do that!"

"You can and you will. If you do, I'll take you to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs concert."

"Well..."

"And I'll blow you afterwards..."

"Sigh. Ok, fine, fine. You drive a _hard_ bargain, heh heh. Which one do you want me to do first?"

Sasuke felt his stomach heave at that last interchange between Naruto and Hinata. _Maybe I shouldn't have come here in the first place..._

But he was too late, for Naruto was already making the hand-signs for his infamous jutsu.

"**Oiroke no Jutsu!" **

Poof!

Hinata activated her byakugan again as the smoke cleared, revealing a naked, femmy, voluptuous Naruto. "Oh Sasukeeee kuuuuuuuuun!" She cooed, the cloud cover barely ample to hide Naruto's curves.

"Ew. Hinata, really?" Sasuke was going to be sick.

"March forth Naruto, and conquer!" Hinata raised her fist in Sasuke's direction.

"Hai, Hinata-sama!"

Naruto strode forward and took Sasuke's face in her hands, then laid an open-mouthed kiss on the unsuspecting emo bastard.

"Gah! Unhand me! Ack!"

"Aw, come on Sasuke-kuuuuuun, don't you think I'm smexy?"

"Ack! Please remove your cleavage from my face."

"But Sasuke-kuuuuuuun, I made them extra big and squishy just for yooooouuuuu!" Naruto whined, pumped her breasts to make sure they were good and squishy enough, sat down on Sasuke's lap, and proceeded to stroke his chin. "Don't you think I'm pretty?" She crooned.

"Ugh, pretty _ugly_, get the fuck off me before I die."

"Naruto, that's enough. Up." Hinata called cooly, jotting down notes in her notebook.

"Geez, Sasuke is really no fun." Naruto strode over to his girlfriend and put his abundant cleavage in her face. Hinata, without removing her gaze from her notebook, reached up and squeezed one. "Aw, he really did make them extra squishy for you Uchiha. Alright, Naruto-chan, do the second one now." Hinata gave his boob one last, final squeeze before Naruto grinned- poof!

Before them stood a normal Naruto, minus a shirt. "Nani? What's this supposed to prove?" Sasuke asked glumly. Poor soul, he was about to find out.

Naruto grinned and bounced over to Sasuke. "Pucker up lover boy!"

"What- no- no!- mrphl! Mrphley! Mrfff!" Sasuke flailed wildly while Naruto shoved his tongue down Sasuke's throat.

Hinata focused her byakugan on Sasuke's chakra system and was not surprised to see his chakra flowing at a rapid pace, his heart beating fast, et cetera, et cetera. But even though her evidence was conclusive, Hinata grinned, cat-like, turned off her byakugan, and enjoyed the show with normal vision. At that moment, however, Hinata's door swung open-

"Hey Hinata-sama- oh. Oh good gods. Never mind." Neji slammed the door behind him and literally ran away. The slam, unfortunately, roused Sasuke from his semi-comatose state of consciousness, and he summarily shoved Naruto off of him.

_Damn Neji. Doesn't he know to use his byakugan, or at least knock, before entering my lair?_ Hinata shook her head; that last display of affection had really, really been a nice piece of work.

"Hinata, what the-"  
Hinata raised a hand and cut off Sasuke's ensuing tirade, stating simply, "The evidence is conclusive. You are totally gay, Sasuke-kun. Hey, there's nothing wrong with being gay, I actually like you better this way...in fact, I think it improves your smexy-necity-atude."

"Hinata, I am not-"

"Read it and weep lover boy." Hinata shoved her notes in front of the Uchiha's face.

"No! No! Hinata-"

"Hinata, maybe Sasuke is just gay for me?" Naruto asked innocently.

"Hum. Could be." Hinata tapped her chin.

"Hinata, please-"

"Oh here! I know just what to do!" Hinata made a series of familiar hand-signs-

"**Oiroke no Jutsu!" **

Poof!

Naruto and Sasuke gapped as a manly, sexy, and naked version of Hinata emerged from the fog. Without wasting anytime, Hinata strode over to Sasuke, placed his hand on her/his ass, and kissed him hard on the mouth.

Sasuke passed out with a major nosebleed almost instantaneously.

"Sorry, Naruto-kun, I don't think you're special. I think your pal here is just queer."

"Awwwww...well, anyway, I was hoping we could have a threesome or something..."

"Threesomes, yes. With Sasuke, no. Now, it's time to call a meeting of the minds. We have one Uchiha that needs to get laid...and one hell of a fanfic to write."

* * *

lol:) Well, I'll probably update in a week or two-ish. let me know what you think! ;)


	6. The Lion, The Witch, And Naruto

Hello everyone! Thanks so much for all your snazzy reviews. Much love, much love.

What follows is probably the weirdest piece of crack-tastic fun I've ever written. **Please make sure you pee before you read, I wouldn't want any accidents ;0**

Special shout out to my fantastic-o beta **dazynl8**, don't y'all wish your beta was awesome like mine:) Huh!

* * *

Chapter 6

**The Lion, The Witch, and Naruto**

Meanwhile, in a claustrophobic cave of darkness...

"God Damn It Itachi!"

Itachi raised a cool eyebrow. "Hidan, must you capitalize every word in your sentence? It is not grammatically correct."

The Uchiha winced as a barrage of curse words met his delicate- ahem, refined- ears.

"That's the problem with you, you Jashin-damned, cock sucking, son of a whore. You are so fucking arrogant!" Hidan's eyes were ablaze with fury- but suddenly, like a bipolar schizophrenic, he began to laugh like a hyena.

Itachi's second eyebrow raised to meet the first. "Nani?"

Hidan kicked him in the balls.

Itachi fell to the floor with a a dull "thump".

"That's what's so funny, ass-wipe!" Hidan waved over his shoulder as he casually walked away. Itachi clutched his family jewels on the cool floor of the cave and tried not to moan too loudly.

"Itachi-san?"

Itachi winced and squeezed his eyes shut. Of all the people to find him in this position, he wished it wasn't _her._

"Um...are you...?"

"I'm fine Konan." He said this evenly through clenched teeth.

Konan sighed softly. "Of course you are." She held out her hand and Itachi begrudgingly took it. "Come on, I've got something that will cheer you up Itachi-san."

Itachi would have rolled his eyes at that, but he was an Uchiha damn it, and Uchihas were too cool to roll their eyes. Thus, he merely said, "I'm perfectly cheerful."

Konan sighed that annoyingly soft sigh of hers again. "Of course you are." Without further idle talk, Konan gently lead the scowling man to her room and sat him down at her desk chair. Itachi's dour gaze rested on the holy blue glow of the computer monitor.

"What is this?"

"It's something your brother helped to write- it says so in the authors' notes. It cracked me up."

Itachi nodded suspiciously and began to read. In a few minutes, he was holding his sides and crying from laughter.

"Oh-oh- foolish little brother, never let your friends get you drunk and then write that shit about you and _then_ post it on the internet. Oh-oh-oh!" Itachi wiped away a tear. "Thanks, Konan-chan, this really did cheer me up."

Konan smiled prettily. "There's a few more chapters, but they don't have Sasuke-kun in them. I'm hoping the kids will update again soon though."

Itachi smiled one of his rare, heartfelt smiles. Just then, Pein walked in and almost shat a brick.

"Oh my god- did you two just fuck?"

Konan rolled her eyes. "You are such a jealous boyfriend, you know that? And no, we just read a fanfic that Sasuke-kun and his little Leaf friends posted on the internet and were having ourselves a chuckle. That's ALL."

Pein wiped the sweat off of his forehead and replied with forced nonchalance, "Ah. It's just...I'd never seen Itachi smile before...so I thought..."

Itachi's smile flipped into a frown and Konan sighed at the efforts of her good deed going to waste. Pein, however, continued by stating, "That really is a funny piece of work those kids wrote. Too bad we're going to kill them all soon."

"Way to ruin the mood." Konan kicked Pein in the shins playfully. "You know," she kvetched, "I was just trying to cheer Itachi-kun up. Hidan's been a real ass lately, and not just to Uchiha. He got mad at me for hollering at him to put down the toilet seat _again_, and he took a piss- a freakin piss!- on my favorite blue dress."

Pein lifted an eyebrow.

"And he kicked me in the nuts." Itachi muttered.

Pein's second eyebrow rose to meet the first. Konan had a strange feeling of deja vu, but ignored it and moaned, "Something has got to be done about that prick."

Pein nodded wisely. As commander in chief, he couldn't pretend to overlook these misdeeds. However... "I see."

There was a moment of silence.

"Nani? 'I see?' Is that all you can say at a time like this? Come on, I need action!" Konan crossed her arms in front of her ample chest. "Either I see results or you get no pussy."

Itachi winced at that last bit; Pein merely shrugged and replied, "Look, there's nothing I can do-"

"And why, pray tell-"

Pein sighed and whispered something in Konan's ear, who promptly blanched. "Oh gods, oh gods- you _didn't_, he _couldn't-_"

Pein replied ruefully, "Oh yes, he could."

Itachi looked at them askance. "Why the hell did you video tape yourselves having sex? And how could you let that fall into Hidan's hands?"

Konan's jaw dropped- "Shit, I thought you were only supposed to have incredible eye-sight..."

Itachi sighed again for the umpteenth time that day and muttered, "The extremely good hearing comes from my mother's side of the family. But never mind that for now...if that tape gets up on youtube-"

Pein and Konan shuddered in stereo.

Thankfully, Itachi was a tactical genius and the shiny gears inside of his brain started to turn. "I see. So however you get your revenge, you two can't be incriminated. I see...I see..." Itachi, lost in thought, idly turned his gaze to the computer screen. _Ding._

"You know...we could write a fanfic about him and ascribe it to my little brother."

Silence.

"Oh snap Itachi-san, have I ever told you how lucky we are to have you in the Akatsuki?"

Itachi nodded to Konan and sat up straighter in his chair, pulling the keyboard closer to him. "Hey, hey, two birds, one stone."

Itachi started typing. Konan and Pein's mouths were shaped in little oh's of surprise.

_Title: The Lion, The Witch, And Naruto_

_Summary: "Ack! This is so GAY!" Hidan cried. "That's hella funny, since you're the one who just came out of my closet." Konan replied dryly :0 The crack-tastic truth about Hidan. Written by the fabulous Uchiha Sasuke._

"Oh Itachi...you really are a mad genius." Konan breathed. Pein looked at Itachi with a twinge of jealously, but decided to swallow his pride for the greater good. Itachi merely nodded in satisfaction and continued to type.

* * *

Welcome to Akatsuki high-school, a painful and bleak universe inhabited by your favorite folks to hate. Konan was folding origami swans in the back of math class. It was the last period of the day, and the senior couldn't wait to get the fuck out. After all, today was the first day of real live performances for the play "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe", and Konan was hella excited. After all, she had been cast as The Witch (capital "T", capital "W", y'all), and her heart throb Nagato was cast as Peter. Life couldn't get any sweeter.

Ring!

Smiling to herself, Konan tucked her origami paper into her binder and walked as fast as she could to her locker-

Only to have tripped over something. Her things flew everywhere, and with a muffled curse, she raised her hand to her face only to realize her nose was bleeding. _Damn it! I can't get a bloody nose on today of all days! Gah! _She heard laughter behind her and with a start, took in the form of one gothic-assed, good-for-nothing, piece of shit classmate named Hidan.

"Hey little girl, did you have a nice trip?"

Konan growled.

"Whoa, I'm sooooooo scared, what are you going to do, give me a paper cut?"

"Go to hell!" Konan cried, gathering up her things and running the rest of the way to her locker. Damn it all, that bully was going to pay.

Shaking her head, Konan tried to disperse her unpleasant thoughts, shoved her crap into her locker, and made her way to the theater rehearsal area- only a few hours to go till show time!- only to find her arch nemesis there.

"Well, if it isn't the paper-folding freak."

"What the hell are you doing here?" Konan cried. Hidan was the meanest, crudest, and _ugliest_ bully in the whole school, and Konan _really_ didn't want to deal with him for the second time that day. It would totally ruin her reputation, not to mention her good mood.

"Deidara is sick, so I'm playing the part of Edward tonight." Hidan gave her a murderous grin.

No. No. Nononnonono! This could not be happening! She ran behind stage to find Pein who was twirling one of the props- a plastic kunai- in his hands. "Don't worry, Konan-chan, I've got a plan..."

* * *

Hidan grinned. They were doing a run through of the play, a "dress rehearsal" if you will, and Hidan was having a great time. Oh, here comes one of his lines!

"Oi, Lucy, you are such a fucking lier! Shut the fuck up! 'Aint no way you fell through that ol' wardrobe into another universe!" Hidan giggled on the inside like a little girl.

"Cut! What the fuck is wrong with you Hidan! Just say Edward's lines!"

"Oi! But the lines are fucking boring! I'm making them way fucking better!"

Itachi, who was playing the part of Aslan, sighed. "Uncle Madara, can we take five?"

"Take ten for all I care. This play is fucked, you hear me, fucked! Today of all days Deidara had to get food poisoning!"

Itachi paled. Hadn't Hidan brought Deirdara a so-called "good luck" tuna sandwich earlier that day? It seemed there was no hope for the play now...

"Hey! Hidan! I want to show you something!" Konan called sweetly.

"Oi, are you going to flash me? Fuck yes!" Hidan called.

Fighting back the bile rising in her throat, Konan replied evenly, "Come on, it's really cool!"

Somewhat intrigued, Hidan followed the blue haired girl to the back of the stage. She handed him a bottle of water and sighed, "You look thirsty, come on, drink that and then you've _got_ to check this out!" Hidan took a grateful sip and practically skipped after Konan. Hidan was many things, but bright was not one of them.

Konan opened up the wardrobe- one of the pivotal prop pieces for the play- and beckoned for him to take a look. "You'll never believe what's in here!" Slightly incredulous, Hidan leaned forward...

Rough hands pushed him inside and suddenly, the doors slammed shut behind him. "Oi! Konan! You slut! Let me out of here! Let me out of the closet!"

There was much laughing on the other side. "Oh Hidan, do you want to come out of the closet?"

"Yes!"

"Yes what?" A voice that sounded suspiciously like Itachi's mumbled that last bit.

"Fucking damn it, I want to come out of the closet!"

He was met with a chorus of laughter.

"Jashin damn you all!"

"Shut up you freakin Satanist." The sound of Pein's voice really ruffled his feathers the wrong way.

"I'm not a fucking pussy Satanist, I worship _Jashin!"_ He was going to say more, but suddenly, the world around him began to spin, and Hidan felt sick to his stomach and couldn't make out Pein's garbled reply. There was a flash of light-

All at once, he felt himself tumble out of the wardrobe. Hidan blinked. It was snowing outside, and a strange half man, half fawn creature came up to him.

"What the fuck are you?" Hidan asked incredulously. Was he hallucinating? What in Jashin's name was going on?

Blonde eyelashes crusted with snow blinked slowly. "I'm a fucking fawn, dattebayo. The name is Naruto."

Hidan blinked back. "Where...where the fuck am I?"

"Narutonia, dattebayo!"

Just then, the sound of twinkling bells was heard.

"Tell me that's fucking santa clause..." Hidan mumbled.

Naruto paled. "I think you mean Santa Claus- it's spelled C-l-a-u-s and it's capitalized, you have terrible grammar and spelling, you know that? But no, that's the ice queen witch lady. Peace out asshole." The faun frolicked away at a frantic pace, leaving the clueless high-schooler on his icy butt to meet his fate.

"Ho ho ho, what do we have here?"

"Konan?"

"Is your name Konan, you miserable creature?"

"Um...no, my name is Hidan... and you are Konan..."

"Ho ho NO, I am the dreaded ice queen witch lady, and you are the boy of prophesy, Edward! Come eat some candy and get on my sleigh, ho ho ho!"

"First of all, are you _sure _you ain't fucking Santa Claus? Second of all, are you _propositioning_ me? Do I fucking _look like_ a prostitute to you? What the fuck-"

But at that moment, a little green elf that looked _remarkably_ similar to Rock Lee knocked him over the head, and Hidan saw stars spinning around his brain- he passed out. When he came to, he was surrounded by an assortment of evil characters. Konan, or the ice queen witch lady whatever, sat on an icy throne forming origami swans out of snow paper. Hidan was _not_ sure how that was possible. Kakuzu, in this world, was a midget with purple skin and weird neon tattoos which glowed eerily in the harsh light. He snickered at Hidan's gaze, which moved on to the green elf Rock Lee. What the fuck was he doing here? What the FUCK was going on? Hidan noticed a wardrobe behind Konan, and without further ado jumped into it and closed the doors behind him.

"Little boy, won't you come out of the closet?"

"Listen lady, that's a trick question." _If I just think good thoughts and tap my heals together three times and say "there's no place like Akatsuki High", then this piece of shit will take me back home..._

"Boys. Get Hidan- er, I mean, Edward, out of the closet. He really, really needs to come out of the closet. I mean, seriously."

Neon purple Kakuzu and elf boy Rock Lee nodded, turned the wardrobe on its side, and shook that motherfucker out. Hidan grumbled, "Hey! Jashin damn you all, I liked being in the closet!"

Konan nodded sagaciously, "Yes, but it was time for you to come out."

"God damn it, this is so fucking gay!"

"That's funny, coming from the person who just came out of my closet."

"LISTEN, IF YOU JUST KEEP ON REPEATING THAT JOKE, IT WILL NOT BE FUNNY ANYMORE. IT'S REALLY, REALLY, NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!"

"I, the mighty Aslanchi, beg to disagree. I am king of Narutonia, and I think it's fucking funny. Good job, ice-witch-chan." Itachi nodded towards Konan, his long, black fur mane moving gently in the breeze.

"Ah, Aslanchi, even though we are sworn enemies, laughing at Hidan- um, I mean Edward- coming out of the closet brings us together."

"And I am king Peter, with weird, concentric lavender circles for eyes, and I, too, find it humorous that Hidan continually goes in and out of closets in this contrived and banal theatrical performance!" Pein/Peter/Nagato/whoever bowed, and there was a smattering of applause. Applause? Where was that clapping noise coming from? Hidan swore he saw psychedelic swirling designs, reminiscent of oriental rugs, on the insides of his eyelids, but he struggled to overcome it.

"Lo, I am queen Lucy, and I am glad that this fucking poor excuse for a human being can bring our kingdom together in peace!" Lucy bobbed her pink head enthusiastically; her overly-large forehead reflected the harsh light in a most unflattering way.

The Naruto creature bounded out on stage and loudly proclaimed, "Let's just say we forget this war. I feel like we've all become friends over our new found hatred for Hidan, the least likable, least fuckable boy in Narutonia!"

Applause, Applause, Applause.

Hidan started drooling in confusion- _where's all that damn fucking noise coming from?_- and crawled back into the nice, safe, dark wardrobe. The crowd went wild cheering.

* * *

The next day at school, Hidan wore a black trench-coat and a pair of dark sunglasses, hoping no one would recognize him. Earlier that morning, a video of last night's performance was emailed to his iphone via Konan. It was not a pretty sight. Especially not the part where he was drooling. _I am never getting laid in this town again..._ Hidan thought sullenly. Not that he had been getting laid before mind you... Hidan cursed himself. He could have sworn that he really _had_ gone to Narutonia last night...only to find out that he had been the butt of a particularity caustic practical joke.

Just as he was replaying last night's follies in his mind, a hand came crashing down on his shoulder and shook him out of his painful reverie.

Much to his chagrin, he was greeted by both Konan and Pein.

The blue haired girl began, "Listen asshole, we have the whole performance from last night on film. But so far we've only emailed it to you."

"And if you just fucking leave us alone, we won't post the video on youtube. Stop being such a douche-bag of a bully, and this stays between us and Akatsuki High. You can salvage what is left of your pride and go onto a college where no one knows of your sordid, sordid past playing Edward in the Chronicles of Narnia."

Hidan looked at them balefully. "You put acid in my water, didn't you Konan? I was straight up tripping face last night because you put mother fucking LSD in my beverage, and you assholes made a mother fucking fool out of me."

Konan did her best to hide her smile. "I will neither confirm nor deny those allegations. However, I will maintain that you are now the biggest loser in Akatsuki High. Your character popularity ratings have plummeted, all the girls in school think you are gay- but we could make your life so, so much worse. The whole _world _could know just how much you suck. Think about it."

Konan and Pein walked away with their heads held high, while Hidan cursed under his breath. "Damn you, Narutonia, damn you..."

* * *

Konan, her face bathed in the blue glow of the computer screen, looked at Pein. Pein looked at Itachi. Itachi looked at the computer monitor.

"Yeah. That will probably piss Hidan off." Konan nodded thoughtfully.

Pein chimed in, "The ending was a little weak, but I enjoyed reading it. I'd give it...like a B+."

Itachi scratched his chin. "Well, as long as Hidan gets mad...ok, I'm pressing the publish button." Itachi couldn't wait to see the expression on Sasuke's face when he saw this particular fic...foolish little brother.

* * *

a/n well, hope you had a fun lil frolic there:) So I got a few confused PM's, so let me spell it out for you:** Pein and Konan, in the fic within a fic, slipped LSD into Hidan's water and he thought that the play was REAL and acted like an idiot while the performance was performed a. in front of the whole school, and b. was recorded.** Ok? ok.

Also, on another note I promise, I'll be updating "Aint Nobody Who Can Sing Like Me" like, by the end of the week! Meep!

**Goldilocks says: please review or the bears will eat me ;-0**


	7. Chapter 7: Porn

Well hello all you wonderful readers! I used my free time on this glorious memorial day weekend to finally, _finally_ finish this epic fic. I didn't have it beta'd, so if you see mistakes, please let me know and I will fix them!

Thanks so much for all your reviews and support! Much love!

* * *

Chapter 7

**Porn**

_[Maude shows the porn video starring Bunny to the Dude] _  
_ Sherry in 'Logjammin': [on video] You must be here to fix the cable. _  
_ Maude Lebowski: Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here. _  
_ The Dude: He fixes the cable? _  
_ Maude Lebowski: Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey._

~The Big Lebowski**  
**

Hinata had two books in her hand; she kept looking betwixt the two, her brows furrowed, deeply in thought.

"Oi, Hinata-chan, what are ya looking at?" Hinata jumped.

"Oh. Hey Naruto-kun, you startled me." Here, Hinata sighed. "I'm having a dilemma."

"A what now?"

Hinata sighed again; her boyfriend was not the brightest crayon in the box. "I have a problem," she patiently reiterated.

Naruto narrowed his eyes, then came up from behind her and propped his head on her shoulder. "Er...Hinata-chan? You don't have a problem so much as two books of porn..." Naruto looked between the two books and blushed. "Um...hard core gay and lesbian porn to be exact...oi!" Naruto shouted as Hinata hit him over the head with one of her sordid books.

"Listen, this is serious. I've been debating this issue in my head for a week straight, and I totally can't figure it out!" Hinata wailed.

"Um...you can't figure out how to masturbate or something?"

Hinata chucked the second book at his head and moaned, "Naruto! I'm being _serious_ here! I have a fucking _problem!"_

"Heehee, Hinata, believe me, you don't have any problems fu—"

She threw a paperweight at his head this time. "Baka. I'm really, really _serious_. I can't figure out which is hotter: lesbian porn or gay porn."

Naruto rubbed the growing bump on his head from the heavy paperweight and sighed. "I don't see how that's a problem. Why do you have to choose?" Naruto blinked owlishly and then added, "Wait, what about heterosexual porn? Why is that—"

Hinata broke in, "Dude. Hello? Gay and lesbian porn beat hetero porn any day. Any. Day."

Naruto made a face. "Are you saying—"

"Don't take it personally hon. Anyway, my deadline for my blog is up, and I have to write this article about the glory of pornography, but I _still_ haven't figured out which is hotter. Damn."

Naruto sighed. "What would Jiraya sensei do...?" Naruto sighed again, then ventured, "Maybe you should ask Kakashi-sensei? He's kind of a porn expert..." But here Naurto trailed off, for when he turned around, Hinata was gone, a little cloud of dust left in her wake.

"WAIT! Hinata-chan! Don't talk to that perv without me!" Naruto called as he made a bee-line for the door.

Just as the two ninja were racing through the village, who should step into their path but Sasuke.

"Hinata!"

Hinata skidded to a stop so as not to plow into the Uchiha, but unfortunately, Naruto's reflexes were not as sharp, and he bulldozed right into his girlfriend; their combined momentum propelled them straight into the angsty Uchiha.

"Damn it! Naruto! Hinata! Get off of me!" Sasuke wailed from the center of the tangle.

"Sorry teme..." Naruto bleated sheepishly. After a few minutes, the three ninja extracted themselves from each other.

"Sasuke-no-jerkface, what do you want? Can't you see we're in a hurry? For Kami's sake, my _blog_ is due _tonight_, and I still don't know what kind of porn is the hottest!"

Sasuke blinked in rapid succession, but finally decided to ignore Hinata's cryptic answer and instead replied, "Listen Hyuga, did you or did you _not_ receive a ginormous shipment of award winning sake from me this week?"

"Oh. Shit. Yeah, I did..." Hinata mumbled.

"And did you or did you _not_ promise to write that fanfic for me? That _heterosexual_ fanfic that I requested, like, a _month_ ago?"

Hinata heaved an epic sigh. "You..._did..._but—"

"No buts! I want my fucking fanfic!"

"But—"

"NO BUTS! TURN AROUND, GO TO YOUR COMPUTER, AND WRITE MY FANFIC!"

"But my blog—"

"Your blog can suck my dick!" Sasuke wailed.

"Because lord knows no one else will..." Naruto murmured.

Hinata chortled while Sasuke roared, "DOBE!"

Naruto smiled uncomfortably. "Heh...heh..."

Sasuke crossed his arms and pouted. "Listen Hyuga, either my fanfic gets written tonight, or I'm repossessing your sake!"

"Oh shit muffins. That sake is my favorite...and it's a limited edition...shiiiiiiiiiiit."

Sasuke nodded. "Listen, I scored some speed off of the Suna kids. Why don't you take some of this," Sasuke murmured, handing a packet of pills to Hinata, "and you'll polish off my fic and your blog in one sitting. Everyone wins!"

Naruto's face fell. "Oi, teme, drugs are _bad_ for you..."

Hinata considered the pills thoughtfully. "Hmmm...I didn't know Kankuro was prescribed Adderall for ADD... Well anyway, this might be just the inspiration I've been looking for... Alright, I'm going to write your fic _right now_, but I'm telling you Sasuke, the reason I've been having trouble writing in the first place is because you _insist_ that it be hetero, whereas we all know that you're—"

"I'M NOT GAY!"

Hinata waved diffusively. "Fine, fine, I'm going. Naruto, come and be my inspiration..." She took the blond by the collar and effectively dragged him back to her lair.

Sasuke stood watching them retreat with a look of relief on his face. Now that Sakura was in town, it was time to try to win her back from Gaara; because lord knew, she was the only girl with lousy enough judgement to actually sleep with him. And time was of the essence; they were approaching Sasuke's 15th birthday, and with the life expectancy for shinobi being as low as it was, Sasuke did _not_ want to die a virgin...

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the Akatsuki cave of doom and gloom...

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT! THE! FUCK! ITACHIIIIIIIII!" Hidan roared as he checked his email. He had initially been thrilled to see the amount of 'fan mail' filling up his inbox, but as he read the messages, it became increasingly clear that the emails were instead _ridiculing_ the Jashinist over the inglorious depiction of Hidan in 'Sasuke's' latest fanfic. But of course, if you will recall, dear reader, Itachi, Pein, and Konan had actually written that deprecating fic about Hidan and had misattributed the work to Uchiha Sasuke on fanfiction dot net...

"Hidan-san, what ever is the problem?" Itachi asked as he glided into the room, his tone even and betraying none of his emotions.

"YOUR LITTLE BROTHER IS THE PROBLEM UCHIHA!"

Itachi didn't so much as blink. "Sasuke is always getting himself into trouble. He's such a foolish little brother. What did he do this time?"

Hidan took a deep breath to steady himself, but despite this, his words still came out in all capital letters. "THAT LITTLE ASSWIPE WROTE A FIC ABOUT ME! A MEAN FIC! ABOUT ME BEING *choke* GAY!"

Just then, Pein entered Hidan's room, closely followed by Konan. "What's all the racket Hidan? Some of us are trying to stream the new Bleach episode..."

Itachi nodded approvingly. "Good for you Pein-sama, the Bleach filler right now is much better than that garbage they're currently airing for Naruto."

Konan chimed in, "Isn't it funny how Bleach filler is even better than Beach canon? I just love how—"

"**GOD DAMN IT** YOU ARE ALL MISSING THE POINT!" Hidan roared, before continuing in an undertone, "Besides, Bleach is for pussies."

Konan winced. "Geez Hidan, stop capitalizing everything all the time; it's harshing my mellow. Plus, obviously, you have no taste: Bleach fucking rules."

Pein nodded and added, "Konan's observations about Bleach are totally right on. In fact, why is it, when the new Bleach comes out, that you are _always, _always making some kind of racket? Could you please let us watch anime in peace—"

"NONE OF THAT MATTERS! MY IMMACULATE REPUTATION HAS BEEN TARNISHED!" the irate criminal called.

Itachi, Konan, and Pein all sweatdropped. "Um...immaculate reputation?" Konan mumbled, "That's just as unlikely as your immaculate conception..."

Thankfully, Hidan was too busy hyperventilating into a paper bag to hear her. The three other ninja watched on in morbid fascination as Hidan calmed himself down via a dessicated old lunch bag and finally ventured, "That's it. Itachi, your brother's ass is grass and I'm a lawn mower."

Itachi scratched his head. "That sounds...er...sexual. And wrong."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU FUCKING POMPOUS PSYCHO KILLER!"

"That's the pot calling the kettle black," Konan murmured.

"I FUCKING HEARD THAT!" Hidan roared.

"Can we go back to the time when you spoke in lower case letters?" Pein asked menacingly, fixing Hidan with his rinnegan of doom.

Hidan gulped. "I'm just really fucking MAD. I mean, WHO does he fucking THINK he IS? I'm as heterosexual as they fucking come; if anyone is gay, it's your gay fucking little brother, Itachi!"

Itachi nodded gravely. "I don't doubt you, Hidan-san."

Konan whispered to Pein, "At least Hidan has stopped shouting...mostly..."

The three ninja stepped back as Hidan rose and picked up his scythe from its hook on the wall. "That's fucking IT! I'm going over to Konoha RIGHT FUCKING NOW and ripping Uchiha Sasuke a new ASSHOLE!"

In an uncharacteristic display of mirth, Itachi started tittering. Hidan froze and regarded Itachi cooly. "What is so FUNNY Uchiha?"

Itachi schooled his face to be smooth. "I'm sorry...but that sounded vaguely...sexual...and...gay...again..."

"You know what?" Hidan hissed, "SCREW YOU GUYS! I'M GOING TO FUCK KONOHA UP BY MYSELF!" Hidan stomped out of the Akatsuki lair and stormed off towards the Village of the Hidden Leaf. When the three co-conspirators heard the front door slam, and a string of expletives slowly fading with distance, they let out a collective laugh.

"Itachi-san, that was brilliant!" Konan beamed.

"I just hope he gets himself killed so we can go on permanent Hidan vacation," Itachi mused.

Pein nodded, but ventured, "Aren't you a bit worried about your little brother, Itachi? After all, Hidan is quite a bit miffed."

Itachi shrugged. "This will just be another obstacle Sasuke will have to overcome. It's...all part of my plan to make Sasuke stronger."

Pein looked at Itachi and blinked. "That's bullshit. You are just one sadistic fuck."

Itachi shrugged again. "Yep. That's probably true."

Konan laughed at that. "Oi, I'm going to pop some popcorn, and then let's _finally_ watch Bleach in peace and quiet!"

Her offer was met by a chorus of "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

* * *

Back in Konoha...

Hinata was hunched over her computer and sweating profusely. "Oi, Hinata, I think you took too much Adderall..." Naruto ventured, concerned for his perverted girlfriend.

"I'll be fine, just fine, yes yes just fine. Ok, Naruto, start reading the first line of, 'She's got a Nice Kunai Rack,'" Hinata replied, a bit too fast and jittery for his poor ears.

"Aw, Hinata, that porn's no good. Why don't you plagiarize from 'Shuriken Sluts Nine,' that one is waaaaay better."

"Yeah, you're right, but if I copy from 'Shuriken Sluts Nine,' everyone will know I committed plagiarism; after all, that one's been circulating around the jonin office lately... Let's compromise, what about lifting from 'Mist Kunoichi do it in the Rain,' that second chapter about mud wrestling was pretty hot..."

Naruto sighed. "Oh, ok, I guess..."

Just then, a bird alighted on Hinata's windowsill. "Oh fuck me with a rusty dildo. There's an emergency meeting at the Hokage's office NOW? Why, oh why, oh why oh why oh why—"

"Hinata, I really think you need to—"

"**ME?"**

"Lay off the pills!"

Naruto and Hinata looked at each other, before both blurting out, "What?"

They both shook their heads. Naruto took Hinata's arm and called, "Let's go Hinata-chan. We'll write the Teme's fic tonight for sure! Dattebayo!" He flashed her his iconic, confidence inspiring, grin.

Hinata sighed. "Ok. Gah. Let's go..."

The two ninja sped off for the Hokage's office; when they arrived, they found that the room was practically bursting at the seams from all the ninja squished inside of it. After much grumbling, Hinata and Naruto made their way to the front, where they were accosted by Uchiha Sasuke.

"How's the fic going?" their client asked anxiously.

"It's good, good, good, never been better, oh yes oh yes!" Hinata yelped.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Um...I think you popped too many pills..." Sasuke mumbled, slightly afraid of how tweaky Hinata was acting, with her twitching eyebrows and that wild look in her eyes.

"SILENCE!" Tsunade-sama bellowed, and a hush immediately fell over the crowd. "We've just gained intel from one of our spies *cough cough, Itachi just texted me, cough cough* that Hidan, of the Akatsuki, is coming to attack the Leaf!"

"What!" the crowd shouted as one, flabbergasted.

"SHUT UP!" the Hokage roared.

"We're sorry..." the crowd moaned.

"You bloody well should be! Gah! Anyway, we have reason to believe that Hidan is here to extract his revenge on **you**, Uchiha Sasuke!"

**Da da da!**

A silence descended upon the crowd; you could have cut the tension in the room with a proverbial butter kunai. Finally, Sasuke squeaked, "Me? What did _I_ do?"

The Hokage seethed, "My informant *cough cough, Itachi, cough cough* has reason to believe that you wrote a naughty fanfiction story about Hidan, and now the immortal Akatsuki member is quote, 'Coming to chop off that fucking Jashin forsaken Uchiha's balls', end quote."

"Whoah Teme, that's rough. Do you think your voice will go up an octave when they chop off your ba—"

"DOBE, SHUT THE HELL UP! HOW CAN I REBUILD MY CLAN IF THAT PIECE OF SHIT CHOPS OFF MY BA—"

"**SHUT THE FUCK UP, NARUTO, SASUKE! Before I castrate BOTH OF YOU MYSELF!"** Tsunade screamed. The two subjects of her ire paled significantly.

"The village is now going under red alert. Shizune, give out the mission scrolls!"

"Yes ma'am!" the thin medic yelped, practically tripping over herself in her haste to give out the aforementioned scrolls.

The crowd began to murmur, and Tsunade called, "Uchiha Sasuke, get your ass up here."

"Tsunade, I swear I didn't write—"

"Sure you didn't sweetie. That's why the damn tag line says, 'Written by the fabulous Uchiha Sasuke!'"

"What?"

Tsunade shook her head. "Everybody, have you seen the fic Sasuke wrote about Hidan?"

The crowd shook their heads.

"Hinata, get up here and read the fic from my laptop! NOW!"  
"Eeep! Yes'm!" Hinata nearly jumped out of her skin as she twitched her way up to the Godaime's desk. Hinata cleared her throat and began reading, "Ahem. 'The Lion, The Witch, And Naruto,' written by the fabulous," and here Hinata coughed before continuing, "Uchiha Sasuke."

"I DID NOT WRITE THAT!" Sasuke cried.

The Hokage speared him with a glance. "Then why is your name on it?" Tsunade asked, the threat of violence dripping from her voice.

"I...I've been framed! You've got to believe me!" Sasuke yelped.

"Eh...no offense Sasuke, but you have a bad track record for telling the truth..." Sakura muttered from across the room, her arms entwined with Gaara; the latter looked very smug at Sakura's comment.

"Everyone, shut up, and let Hinata read!" Tsunade yelled.

Hinata began reading very, _very_ quickly. When it was done, there was shocked silence in the room.

"Oi, Teme, you're a pretty good writer!"

"Naruto, I did _not_ write that!"

"SILENCE Uchiha, you are guilty until proven innocent! Now tell me, how are you going to fix this?" Tsunade hissed.

Hinata's speed addled mind started turning faster than a hamster wheel at three in the morning. "Tsunade-sama! I! I have! I HAVE AN IDEA!" Oh yes, Hinata was going to kill two birds with one stone, and she was _still_ going to have time that night to write her porn report! Genius!

"Tch, what is your idea, Hinata?" Sasuke asked with a small amount of trepidation.

Hinata smiled wildly. "Here's the plan..."

When she was done, Shikamaru, who hitherto had been silent, nodded his head. "Oi, Hinata...I think that's a great plan!"

"ARE YOU DAFT?" the Uchiha bellowed. "I CAN'T DO THAT!"

"You can and you will Sasuke! Now go, my minions, go!"

Sasuke, in a fit of anger, activated his curse-mark, morphed into bat boy, and flew out of the window.

Hinata blinked. "Did anyone else just get a mental image of the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys of doom?"

* * *

"Do I have to do this?" Sasuke moaned. He was dressed in a tuxedo and was holding a bouquet of roses.

"Yes. Yes, you do," the Hokage barked.

Behind him, all of Konoha tittered.

They were standing on the battlements, and in the distance, one could faintly hear the wisps of someone screaming, "Fuck that! Oh shit! Fuck! Asshole! Douche nozzle!"

Tsunade nodded sagaciously. "That must be him. Get going Uchiha."

"But_—"_

"_No buts!"_

Sasuke sighed. "Fine. Tch." He forced chakra into his feet and leapt down from the wall, then ran at full speed towards his impeding, cursing doom, otherwise known as Hidan.

"FUCK YOU JASHIN DAMNED UCHIHA I WILL HAVE YOUR...what...what are you doing?"

Sasuke sighed and got down on one knee, then procured a piece of paper from his breast pocket. He cleared his throat and began, "Dear Hidan, in Konoha, we have a tradition of writing fanfiction in order to...*cough, cough* woo. I am truly sorry if I offended you in any way, and so, I have written a new piece of fiction in order to appease you and to assure you of my true intentions, as well as to offer you these flowers."

Hidan scratched his head; he wasn't really sure what the word "woo" meant, but it seemed like the Uchiha was apologizing with a story. How...bizarre. Konoha was a strange place indeed. But he liked the flowers; they were red, like fresh blood, the color most pleasing to Jashin! Hidan shrugged his shoulders and decided to give the guy a chance. "Well...I guess you could fucking read me your fucking story before I fucking sacrifice you to Jashin. It's only fucking fair I suppose..."

Sasuke paled slightly and began, _"Hidan, the most brilliant and handsome member of the Akatsuki, had a problem. His cable had gone out."_ Hidan nodded approvingly; so far, the story was an accurate portrayal of reality. _"This was a real pain, because his favorite TV show was going to be on later that evening, and he did not want to miss it. Thusly, he called his local cable repair man, Uchiha Sasuke."_

"Oi, Uchiha, you are a fucking cable repair man?"

Sasuke took a deep breath. "No...I'm actually a ninja. But this is fiction, remember?"

"Um...right..." Hidan was severely confused.

Sasuke shook his head and continued, _"Hidan was pleasantly surprised that the cable repair man came on time—"_  
"Oi, fucking, can you be a shinobi _and_ a fucking cable repair man?" Hidan queried.

Sasuke blinked. "Uh...I guess...um...anyway, _Sasuke entered Hidan's house. Hidan remarked, 'Oi, I'm fucking surprised that you're not wearing a shirt, Sasuke. I see that my revolutionary fashion sensibilities are catching on in Konoha.' _

_Sasuke nodded and replied, 'I've been a big admirer of yours, actually...actually..."_ Sasuke trailed off and closed his eyes.

"Listen Uchiha, I'm still fucking pissed at you. If you want to read your shitty-ass apology story before you fucking die, then fucking hurry up."

Sasuke gulped. "Listen...can I just get help with this one? I'm not...an orator."

Hidan lifted an eyebrow. "Um...fucking...I guess so..."

"HINATA! HINATA, GET YER ARSE OVER HERE!" the Uchiha called, close to hysterics. The Hyuga bounded down from the wall and leapt into the middle of the field.

"Who the fuck are you?" Hidan asked.

"Oh, just a famous blogger!" Hinata remarked cheerfully. "You might know my penname, 'WhiteEyedLover,' I'm quite famous..."

"Oi, I read your blog every week! I can't wait to read your post tonight about porn!" the Akatsuki member gushed.

"Oh, a fan! That's just great. Well, I'm here as back up to help idiot over here," she gestured to Sasuke, "read his story aloud. May I?"

"Oh please fucking do!" the Jashinist replied, unable to contain his glee.

Hinata summarily grabbed the piece of paper from Sasuke's trembling hands and began, "_Sasuke nodded and replied, 'I've been a big admirer of yours, actually. You're my hero!'"_

_The Jashinist chuckled at that and gestured towards his television. 'Well, do you think you'll be able to fix this?'_

_'I can do more than fix your television you know...' At that, Sasuke licked his full lips."_ Hinata paused in her reading to look over at Sasuke, who had turned a distinct shade of chartreuse, before continuing, _"'What the fuck to you mean oh cable repair guy...?' Hidan asked casually."_

Hidan broke in, "Oi, this better get good soon, I'm fucking bored."

Hinata grinned. "Oh, don't worry, we're almost there. _Sasuke stretched languidly, his back muscles rippling, before reaching into his toolbox and withdrawing a can of whipped cream and spraying it all over his body."_

"I think Sasuke just fucking passed the fuck out..." Hidan mumbled; indeed, the last of the Uchiha had just collapsed in a puddle of his own vomit.

Ignoring the interruption, Hinata continued, "_Hidan murmured, 'Oh Sasuke, that was so fucking hot!'_

_The Uchiha moaned, 'Oh Hidan, I'm so in love with you! I can't handle your sexy scythe, the way you cover yourself in your victims' blood makes me so hot for you! For the love of Jashin, please fuck me__—"_

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Hidan roared. "Is this some kind of a sick joke!" Hidan grabbed the piece of paper from Hinata's hands and began scanning the rest of the document. "_Then the Jashinist took the Uchiha in his arms__—_ And then I did WHAT? Oh my fuck, I would never!" Hidan skimmed down farther and read aloud, "_They pressed their mouths greedily together__—_ For the fucking love of Jashin, who the fuck wrote this?" Hidan cried, gesturing wildly.

Hinata kicked the Uchiha awake, who pried himself out of his pool of throw-up, and wiping his mouth with his sleeve, muttered, "Hidan. I. Wrote. It. I. I... I LOVE YOU!"

Hidan threw the smutty papers up into the air where they fluttered to the ground and landed in Sasuke's upchuck. The Akatsuki member himself left a veritable jet stream in his wake as he escaped the gay clutches of one, mentally disturbed, Uchiha, and ran back to the Akatsuki cave of doom, where his comrades made his life a leaving hell, but at least no one ever hit on him.

Cheering rained down from the village wall.

"You did it Teme! You saved Konoha with your fanfiction!" Naruto wailed.

Sasuke threw up in his mouth a little more upon hearing all the cheering, and swore that he was going to go rogue again. Hinata wove a few hand-signs and cast a water jutsu at the village hero, soaking the poor ninja in an attempt to remove the copious amounts of vomit from his person.

Naruto dragged Sasuke to the center square, where they all had a party in his honor, and where many, very gay shinobi, tried hitting on the wan Uchiha.

First Rock Lee was rebuffed by Sasuke, the latter turning as green as Lee's jumpsuit at the jolly green ninja's indecent suggestion that his 'cable' needed 'fixing.'

Next, Kiba was summarily decked after he said something about showing the Uchiha how to do the Inuzuka's special kind of 'doggy-style.'

At this point, Hinata walked over to Sasuke and pointed towards him accusingly. "Listen Sasuke, you're never going to get a good guy in this town if you beat up prospective suitors."

"GOD DAMN IT HINATA! I'M NOT GAY!"

Hinata took the Uchiha by the collar and began to shake him violently. "Yes! YES YOU ARE! Why can't you get that through your thick Uchiha skull! Now you have all these fine men hitting on you, for Kami's sake, give the next one a chance!"

"Maybe..." Sasuke grumbled, trying to steady his nauseous stomach after the severe shake down.

"Gah! Well, I've written your fanfic for you_—"_

"Hinata! What you wrote for Hidan _so_ doesn't count!"

Hinata rolled her eyes. "It's not my fault you didn't get to read the really smutty bits out loud! Then you would _really_ be getting hit on right now!"

Sasuke was about to form an angry retort about how he was going to take away all of Hinata's precious, precious sake, when he was interrupted by Neji. "Um...excuse me Hinata-sama. May I have a word with Sasuke?"

Hinata blinked, then blinked again, then blinked some more. "Sure Neji-niisan..." Hinata backed away slowly, but stayed within hearing range.

Neji began, somewhat reticently, "It's come to my attention that you are trying to lose your virginity in a somewhat heterosexual fashion?"

Now it was Sasuke's turn to blink in rapid succession. "Um...yeah..."

"Would you possibly be interested in joining Tenten and I this evening...we...ah...need our...um...'cable' fixed..."

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Um...sure...that would be...all right.._._"

Hinata's jaw dropped until it touched the ground. And then, a light-bulb went off in her head.

"Eureka! That's it! I've got it!"

Naruto sauntered over to his girlfriend and mumbled, "Um...what Hinata-chan?"

"The hottest porn! I know what it is!" she exclaimed jubilantly.

"Um...?"

"THREESOMES!"

Naruto slapped his face. "That's what I've been trying to tell you all week!"

Hinata grabbed Naruto by the arm and began running towards her room, and ergo, her computer. "Come on Naruto, make a clone and help 'inspire' my blog post!"

* * *

epilogue:

Back at the bat cave...er, I mean, the Akatsuki cave, Itachi, Pein, and Konan were curled up on the couch enjoying a Bleach marathon, when all the sudden, who should barge in but our favorite Jashinist!

"FUCK! COCK SUCKING BADNESS! FUCK! SHIT TURDS! ASS! ASSSSSSSSSSSS!"

Konan rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry Hidan, was that last bit 'as,' or just 'ass' with way too many s's at the end?"

Ignoring her, Hidan ran to his room, slammed the door, and began sobbing like a little girl.

"Wow, looks like shit went down in Konoha...Zetsu? Zetsu!" Pein called in an authoritative voice.

The plant man materialized from the floor. "You rang?"

"Did you record all that?" Pein asked.

"Oh my, oh my. Shall I project the film?"

Konan bounded off the couch and paused Bleach, then pulled down the projector screen.

About twenty minutes later, there was hysterical laughter emanating from the Akatsuki living room.

"Foolish little brother," Itachi began in between fits of giggles, "F-Foolish! L-Little b-brother! Whahaha!"

Konan wiped the tears away from her eyes. "Oi, Itachi, we should write another fanfic and attribute it to your little brother once more! Whahaha, let's write another one!"

Itachi shrugged, schooling his features to be smooth once more. "Meh. I think I'd rather watch Bleach..."

Pein nodded sagaciously. "That's exactly how I feel whenever I watch Naruto filler..." Their leader resumed the playback with some magical power of his purple ringed eyes, and the incredibly bad-ass group of ninja commenced with movie night, while Hidan cowered under his bed reading heterosexual porn to cleanse his mind of his Konoha encounter.

**The end :P**

* * *

a/n thanks for reading all! Please let me know your thoughts via your review:)**  
**


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